Amara's birthday tomorrow...

Its Amara's birthday tomorrow! I am really excited, and luckily that plays off really well in text, cause as im writing this Im actually crying my eyes out... It IS her birthday tomorrow, and it's going to be fun. But it's hard to think that I might not have any other kids birthdays to celebrate. I know, I know. I babbel about this alot, but when it hits me it hits me hard. I just found out yet another friend was pregnant with a happy healthy pregnancy, and here I sit... In my "situation" yet again. For the 3rd time this year. The worst thing is that I dont know when it's going to get better. I can't just avoid people and tell them they suck because they're having a baby. I mean, I -CAN- but it's not really that appropriate.

It just hurts, and I dont understand. And when I dont understand, I try and disect it until I've exhausted myself...

Im going in to see Dr. Werner again in a few weeks to get an IUD... the 5 year birth control. I really feel in my heart right now that I WONT be trying for any more kids. I just can't imagine gearing myself up for getting pregnant after so much time, and then having the same thing happen. I just dont want to put my mind or body thru that. Not now or in the future, regardless of how far away that is. Adopting is always an option but it's not JUST about the baby. it's about me being pregnant and having that whole experience again. I had a GREAT time with amara and really wanted to do it again... Well, do it again and make it all the way to the 40 week finish line. Maybe it's not in the cards for me right now, but even if it is in the future, I dont know if I'll be ready. It's like... deciding to cut my own finger off. There's a lot of thought that has to go into that, ya know? You can't just wack it off and not worry about the consicuences and stuff of the aftermath.

Please... dont read this and suggest "waiting it out" or adopting, or surrogocy or any of that... I know what my options are. And I jsut want to sit here typing, being angry, and piss and moan for a little bit. Trust me, I've had a lot of time to think things over.

*shakes head* ... Anyways. Tomorrow Im going to get hit the store and maybe make amara some cupcakes or a small cake... I have to decide which of her christmas presents to give her (since I forgot to save a birthday present for tomorrow)... And Grandpa Ramsey is coming over for dinner. We're having lasagna, should be a good time. So... wish me luck. In everything.

a little light at the end of the tunnel...

Well my hubby got me an awesome phone and as it turns out I can write in my blog... A nice bonus if I want to have a mental breakdown on the run... Yay.

Life moves so fast....

Last time I checked in, I was worried about which doctor to go to, insurance, and whether we were going to have room for another kid... I am GALAXIES away from that now. Now I face the loss of another baby, whether Im strong enough to keep my head above water, and whether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future. Like I said, Im in a totally different place.

I went in for the proof of pregnacy at the Public Health office and had to get this "internal exam" done. It was to help the nurse see how far along I was, since I didn't have a period to go from. After that I started spotting a TINY bit which was normal, so I tried to ignore it. The next day it was still there and getting a little bit worse. I panicked and went to the ER at Overlake with Amara. After a blood draw, invasive ultrasound and sitting in the ER for a total of 5 hours, I was told the news I already knew deep down inside. After knowing a few short weeks of this pregnancy, it was taken away. They said that it might just be implantation bleeding, but I knew it was over already. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

And now what has been weighing on my mind more than anything is whether I will ever get to a full term pregnancy again. I know there are plenty of options as far as us having more kids, but -I- want to be pregnant. I had an excellent experience with Amara and dont feel like I'll ever have another chance. I would rather be totally infertile after Amara, then have the ability to EASILY get pregnant, and not make it past 8 weeks. It makes me sick to think about it all.

I feel like Im turning into a withdrawn person, spending time in my room alone a lot, not sitting with or playing with Amara like I used to... I try to get out of the house and talk about the things spinning a wicked web in my head, but sometimes it's just so hard. I miss the babies I never got to meet. I miss the feeling of being pregnant. One loss can really change a person, but 3... Its so hard to deal when they're so close together. It's like Im healing from them as a whole unit and trying to move on, but not dealing with the individual experience I had. I JUST had a miscarriage in September, and here I am again, already gone through another in November. Disgusting.

Anyways... There's a lot more to tell but just thinking/crying over this entry is making my neck and chest hurt. I'll be back later.

Public Health Yesterday...

So I went to public health yesterday to get my test done for proof of pregnancy, everything went ok. I had to have an internal exam to figure out how far along I am, which has made it a little pink if I pee, but I dont have any cramping so Im hoping I'm fine. She dated me between 6-8 weeks, after making me feel like a jackass for not taking a pregnancy test before starting birth control... First of all, I didn't have a period until after 6 weeks with my first loss, so having it happen a second time wasn't that weird. so STOP making me look like an idiot.

Then I called group health to make my appointment there and had to go into the group health lab and take a pee test. They wouldn't just take the other proof of pregnancy that I had. The tech asked if I wanted to wait for the results but I just said "this is my 4th test, Im pretty sure it's going to be positive!" LOL... so doing that test started my chart with group health, and Thursday I go in and meet with the nurse for an hour to get everything started. Hopefully soon after that I will be able to get in and see Peggy.

I called Dr. Werner yesterday and left a message telling them it was personal stuff that she said I could call about if I wanted to talk, and I haven't heard anything back from her yet. I called about 10am yesterday morning... If she doesn't call me back after this message Im kind of deflated and going to give up on even getting in contact with her until that balace is paid off with the office. Which sucks, but at the same time, I totally get it... I owe her money. Thats basically all there is to it right now

Anyways. I need to get my ass in gear, decide if Im getting coffee, and hit the grocery store. It's time to start getting stuff together for amaras birthday so it's not all last minute and stuff. I'll be back soon Im sure.

Update... sorta

So at this point... I've decided to go to Public Health and get my proof of pregnancy and DSHS taken care of. For now I think I am going to start seeing peggy again, and then as soon as we can pay off Dr. Werner I will go back to seeing her. I just have a lot of stuff going on in my head about it still... But taking advantage of the DSHS is the best idea for me to be doing, specially because I have to have a double root canal done. It's not safe with the baby to not have it taken care of.

So Tomorrow I am going to call Dr. Werner and let her know where Im at, how I really want to come back and see her but it's just not financially possible right now, and that I also dont want to continue to see her when I can't pay for the bills I owe her yet, let alone down the road... I hope she understands... It'd be nice if she could allow me to set up a payment plan, but I already understand if she doesn't want to do that. We tried that like 6 months ago, after she wiped off 50% of the medical bill I had with her, and I still couldn't do more than a $50 payment...

The more I think about going to Peggy and using DSHS the more responsible I feel about the entire situation... So I will just talk with Dr. Werner, and if Im not able to go back to see her then I'd like to be able to at least keep in contact with her, maybe get lunch or something once in a while. She's a great doctor and an excellent person. I appreciate all the help she has given me and REALLY dont want to stop seeing her, but it's also not putting me in a good place with her to continue going back when I can't pay...

So. There we go. Cristi is going with me so she can help with Amara if I need it... The nice thing is I can do the proof of pregnancy, WIC and DSHS all in the same place. Hopefully I wont have to wait in line forever... I hate sitting in those offices.

Oh yeah. And according to the gender chart on thebump.com I'm going to have a boy. The first loss was for sure a boy, and Im not sure about the second, but According to the chart it also would have been a boy. Thank god I had amara first! It seems like Im in the running for all boys from now on! Bleh. I didn't really want boys, LOL. But Im sure as hell not going to be picky!

I dun did it again!

Im pregnant.

Yep... Again. For the 3rd time this year. Talk about Fertile Mertile, right? Ugh, it's so confusing! There is a ton of drama going on with the doctor, finances and which insurance we're going to use, but on top of everything else, IM PREGNANT!

We were supposed to wait 3 months after my last D&C but I didn't start the birth control right away and I guess it happened about 2 weeks after the surgery... oops.

Im trying to have a different attitude about it this time than last time... Just go with the flow, enjoy being pregnant, and cross your fingers behind your back. I know that if something IS going to happen there is nothing I can do to prevent/predict it, so I can't stress about it. According to when I was supposed to ovulate, I should be about 9 weeks, which would be AWESOME because I'd be past the 8 week point when things have gone wrong twice in the past. Course last time I thought I was about 9 weeks and fell all the way back to 5 weeks and basically had to do a whole month over again... So either way as far as "far along" goes Im not really counting on anything till I just go to the doctor. I can't guess or predict when I would have been pregnant other than 2 weeks after surgery because I didn't have a period. I went straight from D&C, ovulating, birth control then not starting a period after the 3rd week of the patch, HUGE sore boobs, extreme exhaustion, carpal tunnel and RPL... I have the most random symptoms. No morning sickness, just naps every day, sore arms/wrist and it hurts like a bitch if I stand up too fast.

OH, and when I said sore boobs, I meand sore, huge boobs. I had to go buy a DD bra already. it's rediculas and ugly and it digs in my arm pits but I was litterally falling out of the last bra. A DD already?!?! How big are these things going to get?! Dylan is thrilled to say the least. Heh heh.

Anyways, thats all for now. I have to figure out some insurance stuff and possibly pay Dr. Werner $437 before I go back to see her (or switch to DSHS and go to Peggy, who was our midwife with Amara)... but it's a holiday weekend so I can't make any progress until Monday. What a pain in the ass.

7 months, 7 days...

Friday of last week was a stressful day. The night before our condo was flooded with backed up sewage water, I had to pack up my stuff/my daughters stuff and go stay with a friend due to contamination and my being pregnant. After being up until 130 AM with my (almost) 3 yr old, I was finally able to go to sleep, only to have to be up again at 7am for an early appointment.

I headed to the hospital where my appointment was, daughter in tote. My husband would be meeting us there since he had to work right after. We checked in to the appointment, excited to see the baby in the u/s. We got started, the tech didn't say much but continued to take pictures... I know she was trying to get it off the screen before I could see it, but there it was, staring me back in the face. The CRL was only 8w and a few days.

My heart broke into a million pieces. It was like living through my experience of loss earlier this year all over again. The tech left, came back and the doc came in to double check, but nobody had actually said anything about the tiny baby aloud. The doctor, who I believe had done my consult earlier this year (and was a total dick) just blurted it out. "well, it doesn't look like we have a heartbeat." and continued on about his business like it was nothing. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek knowing what I'd be going through in the next few hours, days, weeks and even months.

I just rolled over while the doctor talked, looking at my little girl, apoligizing in my head that there wouldn't be another baby coming. Maybe not ever, at this rate. She jumped around and played, then saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I just told her "nothing" and she put her hand on my arm and said "you'll be ok mommy, dont cry."

But I did, and I do. After the u/s appointment I went back to the condo, only to find it torn apart and gutted. Random pieces of carpet were gone, the hardwood was ruined, every room in the 1000sqr foot condo was affected. My husband informed me that he wouldn't be able to take me to the hospital, he needed to stay there because of the demolition that needed to be done. A good friend of mine, who was due about 10 days after me, took me to the hospital. He told me that he'd meet me there and take me home, but that didn't happen either.

I spent the evening in the surgical wing of Overlake Hospital, crying, laughing, watching bad TV and trying to avoid the overwhelming thoughts that kept creeping in my head.The thought of not even knowing there was a problem with my pregnancy almost disgusts me. How could I not be connected to the little body I was supposed to be growing inside? Why didn't a red flag go up? I think the hardest part of this experience is that it brings back to surface all the things I felt when I lost the last baby. It's almost like I need to heal from that all over again because of the emotions that are brought back. I keep thinking, 7 months ago I lost a baby, then remember, only 7 days ago I lost one too. How do you heal from this loss, when the last one is still so fresh?

This was my third pregnancy. I am so grateful that the first one was a success, and that my little girl is healthy and happy, running around playing... She is the light at the end of my tunnel, what gets me out of bed in the morning. Mostly because if Im not up before her, she's not a nice surprise for me at diaper change time, but still... her and my husband, and the support of some great friends are what help me keep my head up every day. Even if at 24, this is the last time I'll ever be pregnant, I succeeded once. And although it breaks my heart to think or what would or could have been, she's all I could ever ask for in a kid.

Its been a week

Yeah... I know. It's been a week already. This time last week I was sitting in a hospital room after losing my second pregnancy... I still dont really understand why. I dont really understand why it hasn't crossed my mind the last 2 days, how I can look in the mirror and look totally fine on the outside and be torn apart and screaming on the inside. I dont get why I can't just have another baby. Now I really understand how those women can continue trying so hard for a baby, even when the odds are against them. It's hard, and it hurts. A lot.

Tuesday Im going in to see Dr. Werner for my follow up. Hopefully I'll get some answers about whats going on, at least on the babies end. I know that Dylan and I still have to do our blood draw before she will know anything on that area. Every time I look at amara I just think she might be my only. And I wouldn't have it any other way... the thing that scares me the most is regardless of how hard I tried to picture our future during this pregnancy or the last one, I only ever saw Amara... even tho I was pregnant with what would have been our second and 3rd child.

I can't believe that next time I get knocked up it'll be my FOURTH round. wtf is that?

I thought this blog would be a lot more insigtful and smart sounding, but I've cried myself empty and feel "somewhat" better now... so I guess I'll go.

Time, go faster...

I feel like today has drug on forever... Actually more than anything, I feel guilty. I haven't really spent much time thinking about the baby, the loss, or anything really. I went to Yakima today and totally zoned out on the drive there and home, not really thinking about anything. I guess thats good, but I dont want to be NOT thinking about it already.

I have been trying to just really enjoy amara and play with her today, give her kisses and hugs and all that jazz. She's been a turd so its making it kind of hard, haha!

For the past few nights I have been taking something to help me sleep, but avoided it last night... I was totally wiped out last night when I headed upstairs, but as soon as I got in bed I started thinking about everything and felt wide awake... I ended up having a complete mental breakdown. I cried into my pillow for like 15 minutes, wishing that Dylan was there with me, and then passed out. I slept straight through the night until my alarm went off but I still feel like a zombie...

I just wish that time would go faster and we could find out what happened to the baby this time. Dylan and I are going in for blood draws on the first to see if there is a problem with us when our chromosomes come together... If there is, it could mean Amara is an only child. I can't take the heartbreak of trying over and over to get the same result. I almost feel like I would rather be infertile than be able to make babies that can't survive because of some disorder. It's heartbreaking to deal with and I just wish I had the answer right now...

well... I managed to survive writting that blog without crying, but Im sure I'll be back to write more later...

From thebump.com

Earlier this year I lost a baby that my family was SO ready for... I went to the doc and found out that although I was 11w 5d the hear had stopped around 8w3d... After 2 more days of ultrasound and consults I opted for the D & C, feeling it was the best choice for me. Specially since I'd had no signs of loss, cramps, bleeding, nothing. I just wanted to be done with it. The doctor asked if I wanted to do any testing to see what happened, and it turned out that the baby had an extra sex chromosome... so rather than being XY, it was XXY... I found that out while in the hospital Friday, waiting for another D & C.

I went to the doctor Friday for my NT screen and found out that I was 11w4d and the babies heart stopped somewhere around 8w4d. I had terrible flash backs to earlier this year, being that everything was happening almost exactly the same... I talked to my doctor and she asked what I wanted to do... I decided to have another D & C so that we could test the baby again and see what was going on. My husband wasn't even able to come with me to the hospital because Thursday night our condo flooded with sewage water and the walls and all the flooring/carpeting had to be ripped up. He couldn't leave the contractors there alone so a friend (who is pregnant and due a week and a half after I would have been) had to take me to the hospital and drive me home.

I can't even process losing 2 children and I am in awe of women who have made it through more than that... I got a tattoo after losing the baby earlier this year. It's a little banner that says "And also with you" in Latin. I dont go to church but I got the idea from comunion when you said "Peace (or god) be with you" " and also with you"... it reminds me that Im allowed to be ok and move on, and that I dont have to break down every time I think about the baby... But this week I am going to have another little flower added, to represent the little one we just lost. I miss being pregnant, and I miss talking about the future, even worrying about where we're going to have room for us, 2 kids, and 2 dogs in our small condo. I miss everything about it, and Im sitting here on the computer bawling, knowing that so many other women are in the same place I am, wondering when I'll get through this, if I'll be able to have more kids...

My tattoo will be there forever, but eventually it wont remind me of the loss of my would-be kids... it will remind me of the strength in my relationships, the friends I have, and the strength and determination in myself to be alright. It will remind me that I am at peace, and that the little ones are in a better place, beyond being here with me... And someday, I'll be ok with that.

We all deserve to be alright, it just takes time.

... A little insight...

The other day, I had a tiny little baby inside me... Now there's nothing. The other day I had a little baby bump to show off, and now I have an almost flat tummy again... The other day I had to wear maternity pants, now I fit into my regular jeans just fine.

Whats wrong with me? Am I not supposed to have more than one? Why do you have to go through such torture to find out you're not supposed to get more kids? Why would women try over and over to get the same result?

Im just tore down... It's really weird, I feel like Im more upset about the last loss than I am about this time. Like all the memories of first going through it are coming back up, but what just happened 3 days ago is being buried deep inside... Whats going on? I have lost 2 little babies that I wanted so desperately. People tell me they're in a better place now, where they should be, but why couldn't they just stay here with me? Even for a little bit. I didn't even get to know them. They'll never know how much we wanted them to stay, how many conversations we had about the future.

I just barely began to have faith in this pregnancy when it was all ripped out from beneath me. And now, I may never get pregnant again. Amara might be my one and only shot. I love her so much and having her gone for this whole weekend has made things so much harder. I've been sitting here on my stupid blog and listening to other peoples stories I haven't even thought to call and talk to her, see how she's doing, or hear her say "I love you" or "miss you." Because of everything going on she doesn't even get to come home for another few days. Who even knows where "home" is right now.

Im just broken. I will go an hour or 2 and not think about it and feel guilty for being able to function. Then I cry to myself, write in my blog and move on, until the next fit of bawling decides to strike. No matter how hard you try to be cautious and guarded, to not get attached to your little baby, you do. You're the one carrying it, it's inside you, you just can't stop the bond. And then all the sudden it's gone and you rub your tummy... then remember theres nothing there anymore. It's just gone and you don't even get the chance to say good-bye.

Im going in this week to get another flower added to my wrist tattoo... It's sort of like my little way to be at peace with things. the healing wont be over, but I can feel a little more comfort knowing that my little babies are safe, wherever they are. It gives me the right to be ok, whenever I'm ready for that, though I dont think it'll be any time soon...

my doctor told me last night that the baby I lost earlier this year had an extra sex chromosome. That happens?!?! She told me that it had XXY chromosome, instead of 46 it had 47....

So apparently since I like self inflicted pain, I went and looked up XY and XX to see whats what and found out the baby would have been a boy. Actually assigning it a sex makes it so much harder. Its gut wrenching.

I feel like I can't even process this loss because Im still stuck on the other one... It all just hurts and I never in a 100 million years thought I would have to deal with this. I wont say I dont deserve it because no woman or family EVER EVER deserves to go through something like that.

I forgot to tell you earlier, but one of my good friends is due 10 days after I would have been... I JUST got through my August 17th EDD, and now I'll have to deal with another right at the beginning of April and watch my friend have her baby and me sit there with empty arms. I feel like this hasn't eve phased dylan because he wasn't really connected to this pregnancy. He wanted to make sure everything was ok first. And as long as the U/S went ok yesterday we were going to tell everyone... But obviously not anymore...

here I am

again... I just can't believe Im doing this again. Why can't we just have a great pregnancy and a healthy baby? I feel like Im never going to get to have more kids, I am just so thankful for Amara...

People keep telling me that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, but IM SOOO tired of being strong. So tired of it.

Its so hard to look down and see my little bump gone. Its almost entirely flat again...

I can't do this again. If doc werner says that this could happen again I dont know if I want to try for anymore babies... I really dont want to put myself mentally and physically through this again...

... had an ultrasound today

So I never updated after the 27th but I had a great ultrasound and saw the baby, heartbeat and location of the pregnancy. It was a good appointment, the only problem was that I as measuring about a week behind (but that happens to a lot of people).

Well I went to the specialist today for an ultrasound/NT screening and the tech wasn't able to find a heartbeat. As soon as I saw that I was only measuring 8w I knew there was something wrong. basically, just like last time, the babies heart stopped about 2 days after I went to the doctor.

I am staying at Cristi and Byrons right now because our place is tore to shit and we can't sleep there. There was a sewage line backup that we got the brunt of. The floors are tore up, the carpet is cut apart, and the drywall had to be cut out starting at the floor and going 2 feet up the wall. It's rediculas over there and we can't even sleep there because of the contamination.

I can't even cry when I think about it... I am cried out. I dont really know what to say since I've already been through all this stuff. I am heartbroken and I just can't BELIEVE this is going on again. I've already seen Doc werner and been to the hospital. My mom and dad took amara for the weekend, and Cristi spent the day with me at the hospital making sure that I wasnt alone (dylan had to stay at the condo because of the carpet cleaner guys)... It was hard to not have him there but at least having Cristi has been able to distract me and keep my mind busy. I just feel terrible right now. I took a whole Percocet in hopes that it'll help me get to sleep and sleep like a rock. I dont even care what time I end up waking up. Dylan has to work at 130.

I talked to Okie already today. He's going to add a flower to my tattoo on my wrist for free. I have a pink one there but am thinking of doing a purple or different color one... He also was really nice and took my lip ring out today so I didn't have to do it at the hospital. He gave me a big hug as soon as I walked in and said he was so sorry and we talked a little bit. It was nice to know he cares and was there to help. I am probably going in tuesday to put another little flower in my tattoo... I know that some people done understand but it's really my way of healing and processing things.

I wish I could cry. I feel like I should. I just can't right now. but every time someone asks if Im ok or how Im feeling it just makes me burst into tears. Dr. Werner said she was really sorry and that "her heart bleeds for me" and stuff. She's on vacation but I have to go see her after she gets back.

London's wedding is tomorrow but I dont know if Im going ot make it. Cristi said she'd drive me so I know I can get there, I just need to see if Im up to it. I really dont want to miss it... but we'll see what happens.

I am sure I"ll be back tomorrow. I am going to be sitting around watching TV with cristi tomorrow and will probably have plenty of time to type and talk... I just feel like it's not even really happening...

anyways. Im out. Thanks for listening...

doctor appointment

Hey! I can't believe I waited so long to post about going to the doctor. I went and saw doc werner on the 27th and everything with the baby looked great. The heartbeat was 171 and the location of where it's at is great as well. She said that I was only about 8 weeks instead of 9.5, but she wasn't worried about that part.

I had to go get my first set of maternity pants today. I am excited and way more comfortable. I keep trying to suck it in to see if Im just a fatty, but it doesn't really go away. my regular pants were just getting SOOOO uncomfortable I was miserable trying to get dressed every day. So I got a pair of skinny's that I can wear with boots, and a pair of wide leg that i can wear with everything else. We also stopped at the Gap outlet and i found some AWESOME stuff there too. Nice long comfy sweaters and all kinds of shirts. Im super excited.

It's time to go get the hair trimmed again too. It's getting too long to stay styled, so time to get some chopped off. I am going to shorten the side that is longer so that its even this time. I figure that Im goig to have it short for a while, so every time I get it cut I'll try something different. I just need to come up with the $40 for the haircut now, lol.

Anyways... time for me to get back to work. Im worn out after walking around and shopping for 2 hours and then stuffing my face with a huge burger at red robin.

I'll update again soon. I forgot my ultrasound picture at the hospital, but it's coming in the mail. As soon as it gets here I'll add that to the post so you can see! And in about 2 weeks I go back in for my NT testing to see if there are any problems like downs syndrome or other chromosomal problems...

hey...

Me again. So I got approved for medical! YAY!! Now that I have that cleared up and already have my card in hand, I am going to see Dr. Werner for sure. I thought my appointment was Thursday, the day after tomorrow, and it's NOT. damn it. It's not until Friday. Which is only one more day, but still. I was SOOOOOOO ready and excited to go to the doctor and now I have to wait. balls.

Anyways. I really hope that I get an ultrasound at the appointment and not just the doppler thing to hear the heart beat. I really want to see the baby and make sure everything is going ok in there. I think that Dr. Werner will probably do it anyway, and if she doesn't I doubt she'll have a problem if I ask. I dont have to pay for it, so might as well ask!

... Ok this is nasty but I gatta go clean my nip piercing. dylan and I were kidding around today and he totally titty twisted me and it's all sore and puss-y. And thats puss-ie not pussy... like your downstairs part. HAHA.

Over and out.

Today was my EDD...

Today was the EDD (estimated due date) for the baby... I've tried to stay really busy and not think much about it, but when I stop and my brain starts turning it really sets in.

earlier dylan asked me if it was better or worse to be pregnant right now. Honestly it just depends on the day. Right now it's weird and makes me sick because I should be in the hospital delivering a full term baby, and instead of that, Im at the very beginnings of this pregnancy, not even having been to a single doctor appointment yet. Other days it's great and im so happy to be pregnant again already. Like I said, it just depends.

I can't really get stuck on it because either way im NOT in the hospital giving birth to a baby right now. Im not, and at no point in the extremely near future will I be. So there you go.

I thought this blog post was going to be a lot longer, but I think this day was weighing a lot heavier on my mind 2 days ago. Keeping up with the blog again has been nice, keeping things off my chest and from building up...

Anyways. We went back to the gym today, and to the pool for 2 hours so Im beat. I also got 7 more girls pillowcase dresses sewn, and cut a bolero out for a client, and listed 3 new things on etsy. This baby makin' machine is tired and hungry.

Im out.

feeling confused.

... my due date from the last pregnancy is in 2 days. I didn't really think about it and then it hit me today and it's been in the back of my mind since then. I was supposed to be going to the doc on the 17th, but had to reschedule it until the 27th... It would have been both weird and nice to be in there looking at the new baby on the due date of a baby that is gone.... At least I finally would have been able to put my brain at ease and have seen the baby in an Ultrasound.

I... dont know. My original plan was to just go get totally drunk on the 17th and not really deal with it, but a) that can't happen anymore, and b) I would have to deal with the emo problem AND the hangover the next day...

On another note, I have heard from DSHS and seem to be in good shape as far as getting insurance. I talked to someone named Rebecca and she sent me an income varification form and something I have to do for self employment and then I should be set. Whats really nice is that its supposed to cover eye and dental as well. So this terrible tooth I have, I can hopefully finally get it fixed. It's been killing me for like 4 months now :( Tomorrow I am going to mail the stuff in for DSHS and try to get coverage ASAP. Then Im going to call the doctor office and see if I can get in any sooner, even if I have to drive out to Issiquah... I just want to see the baby.

Tomorrow Im supposed to be 8 weeks. I am crossing my fingers that I am actually like 10-11 weeks and everything is fine with the baby. I just want to be out of this trimester. I am tired of being tired, and Im hormonal and my tits are killing me. Thats just the only way there is to put it. I used to stay up until like 3am working and now I can't even stay up until 1230 and not fall asleep on the couch. It's 10:04 right now and I could seriously go to bed and have NO problem passing out... And, the retarded thing is I slept almost 11 hours STRAIGHT last night. wtf, pregnancy!

Ok... well Im out of here. I can't really work anymore cause my hands are killing me from all the sewing I did earlier, so I guess I'll go eat some toffee from Tweet Toffee (I met her yesterday at Seattle Square) and fall asleep on the couch...

Insurance Update

well balls.

If I dont get qualified for DSHS insurance, we dont have insurance for me to go to the doctor for like 3 more months, AFTER dylan starts his new job. If I go to the doctor without insurance I have to pay about $550 out of pocket. for ONE visit. One. I guess it's cause of the pap smear and ultrasound but DAMN. I can't pay that every time I need to go in.

My appointment now is scheduled for the 17th, but if I dont get the DSHS situation I can't go in. I just wish I could get in and do an ultrasound and see whats going on. But Im sure I've said that before, so I wont go off on that again.

Dylans party was today, it was fun! We had bbq'd food and snack stuff out all day, the wii was going and stuff. Plenty of people came over and hung out for a good chunk of the day. Hopefully Dylan had a good time.

Anyways. I dont really have anything to say. I've sort of lost my train of thought, lol... I guess I'll be back when I have another update!

-me

*sigh*

Slight mental breakdown this morning... I woke up today and my hands were still sore and achey, so I called the doc office and left a message. It doesn't make sense to me either, but according to the paper I got from WIC swollen hands and face are signs of miscarriage. My hands and face aren't swollen but as soon as I saw that I thought maybe the symptom was just showing up a little different for me. I still dont get how the 2 things coordinate, but I called the doctor anyways. The office manager took the message and a nurse called me back, asking if I had any other signs of miscarriage I told her no, but I also had a missed one earlier this year, and remember the same hand pain last time. I can't really remember how it was in coloration with the actual loss, but I thought the doc should know. She basically made me feel like a total moron for even calling and said she'd talk to Dr. Werner and call me back. That was like 2 hours ago, and still nothing. you'd think that it might be sorta a priority to give me a call back but I guess not.

So I tried to get out of the house for a minute and grab coffee and got stuck at a road flagger for like 10 minutes, and JUST missed the barista I like at BigFoot... Then texting London and thinking about everything going on I just burst into tears.

Its really weird to be pregnant after a loss... Like everything could be a possible symptom of loss after you've already had one. Any weird stomach feeling makes you think you're cramping, every time you go pee you're checking to see if you're spotting... you always wonder if you really feel the same as the last pregnancy, why dont I have morning sickness, all this and that. Everything is a possible symtom, even if it's just a fart. I swear. Its stressful and wearing me out. My doc appointment isn't for another 11 days and I feel like thats going to take FOREVER. I haven't seen anything yet, no ultrasound or anything. I just want to get in there and see whats going on, the wondering is so mentally exhosting. Its hard to explain to some people, and it's hard for people that haven't been there to understand... And since it's always on your mind it seems like thats all you want to talk about, but it gets old for friends only hearing about that... And it seems like as soon as you find out you're pregnant everything becomes about that. "I can't go drink, Im knocked up" "I didnt unload the dishwasher cause I was too tired" "See that monster zit? It's cause I am raging with hormones, cause Im pregnant" or "I just wanted a back rub and I got this huge gut instead."

It just doesnt stop... I'll probably be back later, but for now... I think Im done ranting.

Lame

... constant boob pain has set in, I can't stop peeing, and Im hungry all the time. Yay for the first trimester! Its getting hard to keep up with work when Im so worn out all the time. I get up at like 915 and by 11 Im ready for a nap, seriously! Oh well... given what I went through earlier this year I appreciate all things that are coming with this pregnancy. I just wish I could go to the doctor! It's so nerve racking not knowing whats going on inside, but getting fatter every day. I thought I was growing last time and it turned out that I was probably just kidding myself.

Oh yeah... acne. Im allowed to complain about hormonal outbursts of acne. Any woman is. And for some reason it seems that the feeling of carpal tunnel is flairing up in my hands again. Strange because that happened with my last pregnancy, but I didn't notice it with amara because I'd not really started sewing until after she was born. I hope it doesn't continue, it's hard to work and focus when your hands feel like they just got smashed with a sledge hammer. :(

Hmm... speaking of being hungry... Its time for bed. I dont want to eat right before I go to sleep, and I have to get up at like 8 to take Dylan to school so I can have the car. So... on that note, Im out of here.

Peace out.

oh man...

Just spent an awesome part of my day at the WIC office trying to figure out if I qualify for DSHS insurance... yay! ... actually that was all sarcasim if you didn't know. It was a huge pain in the ass the whole time I was there, start to finish. But I got the stuff I needed in the mail, so hopefully I will be able to get on. I have no idea when Dylan will get his insurance with Tmobile, mostly cause I have no idea when he even starts.

So... We're going to do a BBQ kinda party on Sunday for Dylan, I hope people can come. I wont really be able to hide that Im knocked up anymore, but whatever... We'll see how it goes, lol. I hope that people are able to come. I set up a little invite thing on Facebook but most of his friends aren't on mine, obviously. Oh well, we'll see.

I got my first doc appointment for the baby set up! It's August 17th. I wish I could go in sooner, I just want to see everything and know that the baby is in good shape and stuff. Its stressful, but they wont see you before 8 weeks, so I dont really have a choice. I feel fine, just tired like usual.

Well... Time to go get Dylan from school, he's been there doing homework all day... I'll update soon.

back again

Hey. Me again. Like you didn't know.

I stopped sucking it in and I look at least 3 months pregnant. Im not even 2 months yet. It's kind of weird. I still have another 6 weeks or so before its really ok to stop worrying and stuff. It'll be a huge relief in about 2 weeks when I get to go to the doctor. I just want to get the ultrasound and see what everything looks like. Im nervous. I try to stay busy and not think about it, but when you finally get pregnant after a loss its on your mind allll the time. specially when you're showing already. It's going to be hard to not tell people, specially now. I have blabbed to a few, and anyone keeping up to date on this blog will know, but I dont think thats very many.

I need to call DSHS and see about getting on the insurance, if we're going to be able to keep the ebt money we get, and have an appointment tomorrow to get more stuff from WIC. I have to get weighed... not excited about that, but I'll know how much weight I've gained since I got so busy with work I couldn't go to the gym anymore. After these next 2 weeks I am going back to the gym. I have to. I dont want to gain a ton of weight right before my 5 year anniversary party when I pop this thing out. Also... Im sure it's going to change when I get the ultrasound, but right now my due date is my 25th birthday. go figure.

Anyways... Im off for the night. Im exhosted all the flippin' time now... I dont make it much past 12 before Im falling asleep... Going to sit on the couch for the next hour, eat and crochet. Sounds good to me.

Peace.

alright...

I've had a long ass day. I went to Federal Way to drop dylan off at school, then stopped back in Renton for coffee, spilled the beans to the coffee girl (oops!) and then headed up to Bellevue to meet Katie at her potential wedding venue. It turned out to be somewhat of a bust for the wedding that she's doing, but it was good to get some ideas. After that I headed up to Mill Creek to pick up London (who is also a client/friend) to help Katie get some ideas for invites and save the dates. And of course Katies house is in Marysville... Then on my way home it took a retarded amount of time, of which I was hot, pissy, almost got rear-ended, starving to death, and amara would sparatically wake up crying, which wasn't helping the ever changing hormone levels.

Speaking of hormone levels... god Im so tired! I just want to go to bed, and I can't believe it's almost 730. I've been up for 12 hours already. I thought I was getting fat cause I just stopped sucking it in, but I think Im starting to show already. I know Im not that skinny, and that the baby is just about the size of an apple seed, but still. Its my 3rd pregnancy, and by this point the body knows that to do and kicks it into high gear. Im not really trying to flaunt it and then look like a total ass when I have to tell people I'm not even 2 months, but hey... I can pretend its not just extra weight, right?

And... I need to get back to the gym. I have some dresses to finish up in the next 2 weeks but I really want to get back to the gym soon. I dont want to gain another 35lbs like I did before, specially since I still had another 20 or so to lose when I got pregnant this time... Lame. But walking and weights for my arms will help that too. I just need to get through these 2 weeks and get these dresses finished (3 of which are for London) and then I can take a day off and sleep as much as I want... I think.

Well... I'm out. I have a wedding dress fitting Tuesday and have just barely even started the damn thing. Although it's the most incredible fabric ever, china silk and silk chiffon are the WORST fabrics to work with on the planet... If I weren't getting a nice fat check on Tuesday I would throw in the towel and call it quits. But her wedding is at the end of August so... I can't leave her hanging.

ok... bye. again.

Back from planned parenthood

annnd! the final result is that I am indeed knocked up. I know it seems like Im going to extreme to figure this out, but I really dont want to get my hopes up and then find out I managed to get 3 crappily wrong tests at home. So! We're looking at 5 weeks and 3 days, with an approximate due date of May 28th, 2011. Just about one month before Dylan and my 5 year anniversary party. Balls. But at least I know that I wont be pregnant AT the party. I'll have a month to get in good shape and stuff, but I was going to make my dresses, so ... looks like I'll be pulling a few allnighters in that month to get stuff done. My friend Katie is also getting married the weekend after our party and im doing her bridal party, her dress and I'm in the wedding (eek!) so it should be interesting... We'll need to get started earlier, thats all. Katie, if you read this, dont crap your pants and get worried, we'll figure it out, lol.

I still have a balance from my doctor earlier this year so I have to figure out how to pay that off before I can go in for my first appointment. I haven't made a payment until recently so I doubt they're going to allow me to come in before paying that off. lame. I really dont want to switch doctors, but I am supposed to go in for my first appointment at 8 weeks so they can ultrasound and everything. How am I going to pay off like $750 in 3 weeks? balls! Im hoping that Dr Werner will make the final call and let me come in. Specially since right now we only go in once a month.

Also... we're on state medical for Amara, so hopefully I can get on it as well. Dylan got a job at Tmobile and will be getting insurance but it probably wont start for another 3 months or so. It'd be nice to have the DSHS for now and then be double covered when his medical kicks in. We'll see. I dont have the brain span to think about it all right now. It's only 3:35 and im mentally and physically drained. I forget how tired I am when Im knocked up. Heh.

Ok well im out of here for now. I have some serious cleaning to do, and some inventory to make and a wedding dress to start. And... another purple bridesmaid dress (from an order of 8) to finish and then Im done with that... I really dont have time to doddle. So do I keep working, even tho Im tired and wont be productive, or do I just lay down and take a nap and then plow through it later.

Oh! and project runway is on tonight... can't FLIPPIN wait!

jhgfhk.,nghf

I couldn't think of a title, so I let Amara pound on the keys for a minute... good plan right?

So... Second test finished and ... *drumroll* I got the same result as yesterday. Second line is faint, but it's there! and on my tests that means POSITIVE!!!

No offense to anyone, but Im going to try and keep this pregnancy under wraps. I dont want to go through the same thing I did at the beginning of this year, and then have to go and explain. We'll see if I can keep it quiet for the next 2.5 months, specially cause even at 10 weeks last time I was already showing. But hey, at least I dont have to keep sucking it in anymore! I need to get going and finish the rest of these dresses and get start going ot the gym again. And eating better. I mean I dont eat a lot of junk to begin with, but I need more fruit and veggies and stuff. Already got the prenatal under control.

So yeah! It would appear that my nesting has started already because this place is a dump and it's driving me nuts! There's stuff everywhere, and Amara's room is over flowing with toys and stuff... Now we need to get her in a toddler bed and get rid of the recliner... It needs to be cleaned, but let me know if you want it, LOL.

Anyways... gatta figure out how to tell Dylan that Im popping out another kid. Hopefully his job interview went well...

Be back later, Im sure.

Long time no post...

*sigh* Well, it's been a while, yeah? I started this blog to get me through the loss of a baby, and didn't feel the need to make small talk after that experience... but here I am again, waiting on the results of a little pee stick. Its been 6 months already since I was in the hospital, and about 10 days ago we officially started trying again. It looks like theres a double pink line, which is a good thing, being a positive test... but one of them is kinda faint. So being logical me, Im going to wait and take another test in the morning before sharing the news with hubby. I dont want to share and get my hope sup and start my period tomorrow. I dont need more let downs right now.

So here I am, blurting out my feelings to a computer screen, not wanting to tell the husband or friend but leaving it for the rest of the world to see. Oh technology. How you've managed to screw up personal communication, LOL.

I feel like I am bursting with this news, trying to keep a level head and not tell everyone is hard tho. I have plenty of sewing and stuff to keep me busy, but if that test IS right, it would seem that baby exhostion is already kicking my ass. that and I spent an hour or so in the scorching heat and im totally wiped out now. I wanted to take a nap but I feel like my brain would just be reeling the whole time anyways.

Hmm... well not that i've gotten that off my chest I feel better I suppose. I will be stopping at the store tonight to pick up a few more tests and see what tomorrow morning brings. I have had some serious baby blues lately, everyone around me getting pregnant and me wanting it so desperately. But, maybe we'll get lucky this time. Litterally, hah!

well I guess thats that for now. You can only go on so long before your repeating the same thing 64 times. I guess I will be back with the results tomorrow? so... stay tuned!

feature from offbeatmama.com

Here is the feature that I wrote for offbeatmama.com finally!! It went live on Thursday but this is the first chance i've had to post the link for it... so here you go!

http://www.offbeatmama.com/2010/02/second-pregnancy-miscarriage

Valentines Day

It's been a week since I last posted. For the most part I've been busy helping Paula paint at her house, and then yesterday we got our keys for the new place. We weren't going to paint there but then at the last minute, at about 1030 on friday night we decided we were going to change the living room and bedroom.

I've been making trips to the new place with stuff here and there but nothing major. We're hiring movers and I want to get my moneys' worth! I've been painting like crazy tho... And we went to Mor furtnature and picked out a new bedframe and dresser. Our bed has been on the FLOOR for a year now, so it was about time to upgrade. Our couch was delivered today, Im excited about that. I think my friend tara is going to take our dressers and couch/love seat when we're ready to sell it. After the couch in the living room there isn't a lot of room anymore.

Other than that Im going to the doctor again on the 22nd for another check-up. Something called a colposcopy... I feel like a retard saying that, let alone typing it. I guess when I was pregnant my PAP came back abnormal and it said that I had HPV... awesome. exactly what I needed. So I have to go get that taken care of and see if it was just because I was pregnant (I guess it comes back positive sometimes) or if I really have whats going to turn into cervical cancer. AND, in the same visit the anesthesiologist told me that I have a heart murmor. Even better. And I've been having heart palpitations more and more often, which means I need to go see a specialist. Great day to be christine, right!?

Well at least Im going to the hockey game with my dad finally!!! I bought him tickets for Christmas for just me and him and the game is finally tomorrow. They're sucking ass right now, and have lost like 11 games in a row, but it's still going to be fun! And its nice that the stadium is right down the street so I dont have to drive hella far after. Im going to take my camera, so I'll be sure to post pictures afterwords.

OK... well im out of here for now. I just wanted to update really quick since I haven't been on for a while. It was weird going a week without posting, specially when I was doing 2 posts a day sometimes!

Another baby shower...

I didn't actually go to one, but I just saw pictures of Courtney that used to work at my school... She's having a boy. Congrats to her!

It seems like now that I've miscarried all of these pregnant women are coming out of the wood work... the universe is taunting me, saying "look what they got and you didn't."

Im in a lame gloomy and pissy mood now. I'm not anxious so I can't take one of those pills, but I wish I had something to make me feel better. I want to cry, but it just wont come out. Today is one of those jealous "hater" days. My friend Tara was over today, I picked her up from the car rental place and she had her 6 month old son Gabriel with her. I held him and played with him but it was like being stabbed in the heart at the same time. But it's good for me.

I only have 2 months until we can start trying again. And in all honesty I am going to start trying and just let it happen. I dont want to take test after test and find out as early as I did this time. I would LOVE to already be 12-13 weeks when I find out like I did with Amara. Then the risk is gone, I'm already in my 2nd trimester and the pregnancy will be shorter. Hehe. Women are allowed to be selfish like that.

Well I'm glad I stopped by... again. I guess I feel a little better, I just wanted to vent for a minute.

baby shower

Yesterday I went to a baby shower... I know, what was I thinking? Well, I was trying to focus on the turkey crissaunt (how the hell do you spell that?!) sandwich and my starbucks drink, but the sandwich was eaten way too quickly, and someone dumped out my green tea frappachino half way through. Yeah, I could have punched her in the face...

For the most part I did ok, it was fun to watch Kristen open all of her presents, and I made sure to get lots of pictures of everything. It was probably the hardest for me when I found out that three other girls were there, and of course everyone is all "congrats" and bla bla bla about the babies... Everyone that knew what happened said they were really sorry, and excited for Dylan and I to start trying again which was nice to hear. Some people just say their sorry and dont care after that.

But anyways... I am so excited for Kristen and her baby is going to be so cute. And if the baby isn't then all of her clothes and stuff will be, lol! Just kidding if you're reading this Kristen :D

It's been almost 2 weeks since I found out what was going on. Im doing ok for right now. I haven't cried yet today and I was able to talk about it a little bit earlier. *sigh* I dunno... like always. I think I've said that in just about every blog I've posted...

Tattoo

Today I got my new tattoo... I love it, and I appreciate all of Okie's hard work. He's be best dude ever and I'll follow him anywhere to get work done. He knew how important this tattoo was to me, apoligized for what happened with the baby and made sure everything was exactly what I wanted.

For those that didn't see, Dylan actually got a matching tattoo with me! I know, I was SHOCKED. He told me he had a surprise that we were going to go do today before my appointment... He kept trying to throw me off track but I was honestly crossing my fingers the whole time that this is what he was going to do. So we got to the shop and okie showed me a HUGE banner, but the words were different. I'd changed what I was originally going to get because the words were wrong, but this wasn't either of the things I told him. Dylan smiled and said "that one's mine"... Aww... he got the same banner as me, colored the same but his phrase was different. His represented a few different things for him, but I was so excited he got more work done. He always talks about getting another tattoo but it never happens for him. And I wasn't supposed to get any "new" tattoos until my back was finished, but this is something I had to do, and it couldn't wait until my back was done...

So on my left wrist, I forever have the baby that I lost. Even now I can look at the tattoo and think of good things, even tho the overall experience is still hard to think about. But for once Im not blogging to be sad. I'm really happy today went well, and would like to go to bed on a positive note...

Also, my friend Shrie asked me to do a piece for offbeatmama.com so look for that on here (and i'll be sure to post the link after it gets online). I'm really glad she asked me to do it. I was bawling the whole time I was writing it, but it feels good to share my story. I have looked on sites for other women talking about it and theres not a lot out there. I think it's so hard for people to stomach they just dont want to share their stories... well NOT ME! lol...

anyways... I'm out of here. Short blog I know, but I'll be back tomorrow. I'm going to a baby shower, and while I adore Kristen (the mommy to be), it's going to be a long hard day...

Today...

Right now, actually most of today, I've been feeling pretty good. More "cheery" I guess, than I have been for a while now. I haven't burried my pain and I'm not over my personal situation by any means, but at least I'm moving on... surrounding myself with friends and staying busy.

I think yesterday was sort of closure for me, to some extent? I went and saw Dr. Werner for a follow up to my surgery last Friday. We talked, I updated her on whats been going on, my blog, and Dylan and I being ready to try when the time was right (and ok). I told her that when I was pregnant again that I would for sure being coming back to see her, and she said she really hoped I did.

I dont know who saw pictures of it, but right before I found out about the baby I made a blanket... it was a really cute quilt with a super soft backing on it. I used green, white and brown for the colors since it would easily tie in with a girl or boy (once we found out.) Until yesterday this blanket sat next to the computer on my desk, un-touched. I hated the sight of it, and every time I saw it, I was reminded of what happened.

Well I took it with me to my appointment yesterday, and I gave it to Dr. Werner... She is currently pregnant, due in April, and they're not finding out whether its a boy or girl. I wanted to thank her in some way for all of her support and really being there for me through this experience. She thanked me and said she would put it in the nursery and use it once the baby was born. She really liked it and was excited to find out that I'd personally made it.

It was too weird to tell her that I'd made it for MY baby... and I didn't want to ruin the present for her. I know the blanket is in a good place where it will be used and appreciated... Me getting rid of the blanket felt like the right thing to do, even if I had to withhold some information about it.

It might just be a blanket I made, but I feel like that helped me. I trusted my doctor to take it and keep it in a safe place... Kind of like how I trusted her to take the baby and put it in a safe place. Maybe not mentally, but at least put my mind at ease. I dont know, when I try to type out what I'm talking about, it sound stupid. But I know even if that blanket was made for my baby, it's in the right place now. My doctor is incredible and I know that if she could change any of this for me in a split second she would. I'm sure a lot of people would, but it's nice to be so cared about even after knowing her and seeing her a short number of times.

I cried today, and yesterday, and the day before... and every single day before that since Wednesday... but slowly it gets a tiny bit easier to think and talk about... Today I've only cried once, and even if it messes up the makeup every time, it still feels good to cry about it.

so now... I'm going to go finish my PB&J, get Amara dressed and go see Dylan at the mall. Then I'm going to go hang out with Paula tonight and watch Project Runway... Tomorrow I will wake up and start a new day all over again, but I will also be getting at tattoo to remember my little 2" long baby, my experience, and becoming closer with Dylan and Amara. There are some really good memories and things that come out of something like this, even if they're really hard to see at first... you just have to clean off the fog in the mirror and look really, really deep down inside...

"Women"

"Women"

A Prayer for Baby

Never to have known you, but to have loved you,

Never to have held you, the way mothers do.

With you I bury my hopes and dreams

For an unknown child I'd never seen.

But also I bury the love in my heart,

And the sadness of knowing that we must part.

And I pray to God to do for you

All the things I would like to do.

And to keep my baby safe from harm

To laugh and frolic in springtime's arms.

Anonymous

A shattered dream...

This book I've been looking at had one part in it that really stuck with me. It said:

"Attachment is the emotional bond of preparing and caring for your baby. Only you know how much this pregnancy meant, how many plans and dreams you had for your baby and family.

"Did you think of this as a baby, rather than just a pregnancy? Did you have the nursery planned or prepared? If you had plans, dreams, and hopes for this baby it makes sense that you may feel very sad and dissapointed for what can no longer be at this time."

This was so much more than a pregnancy to me. It was a little 2" long baby, just as important as a full size one you could hold in your arms. It had little fingers, toes even eyelids. It was our future hopes and dreams coming true, Amara becoming a big sister, and a new flood of hospital bills (which I recieved one of today, for $600!!). All of the dirty diapers, late bills and medical costs were woth it to have a new little addition to the family.

Already starting to show, Dylan would rub my belly, talk about different names he liked, and planning trips we would take when the "kids" were older.

I may have only been eleven weeks when this happened, and babies heart might have stopped at eight weeks, but I had a full two months to bond and attach myself to this whole situation. Shorter than nine, but still significant in my life. Two months of talking about it, doctor visits, even teaching amara where baby was so she could tell everyone. Two months may be a ashort time to some, but you attach yourself quickly when you have that little life inside you. Especially when you WANT that life growing there.

I attach myself to people and ideas very quickly. Staying disconnected from a pregnancy wouldn't have even been possible for me.

It's still really hard to think that in less than a weekend I went from pregnant, to miscarriage, to empty... not even a trace of pregnancy left. I mean yeah there are plenty of occasions when you go from pregnant to not, but you get a little bundle of joy to hold in your arms instead of a book called "Miscarriage: A Shattered Dream."

So to answer my books question, I was very very attached to this baby, and it still causes gut wrenching heart ache to think it's over. Yes, I will go on to get pregnant again and have other babies, hopefully in the near future, but in the back of my mind, in that dark little corner, doubt will be hiding, just waiting to spring out and catch me off guard again... I'll be waiting for you, you sneaky little bastard.

I can say I appreciate my daughter more, temper fits, terrible 2's and all. Sometimes it's because deep down inside I truly fear that she may be my one and only child... I wont know that until it actually happens, but I thank my lucky stars for her. I'm not biased because she's mine, she just really is the best and coolest kid ever. She might not skate board (yet) or play piano (well) but she's mine...

Today it's been a week since I found out there wasn't a heart beat... Yesterday was the first time I've not in a week. I gave up on makeup and getting my nose to not be stuffy. I talked to my cousin about some of what went on and didn't cry, even tho I wanted to.It was nice and scary at the same time. I'm not ready to not cry when I think about what happened.

I've been trying to put my finger on the right emotion, and I think it's surreal. The farther away I get from last wednesday the more surreal it feels. Now that everything is gone and my baby bump shrunk down, it's almost like I was never pregnant a second time to begin with... Thats a weird thought and feeling, for sure.

I am so full of feelings and emotions right now. I wish I had been more in-tuned with what was going on in my belly before. How could I be supporting a life, have it completely stop, and not know anything for THREE WEEKS? And then It wasn't even me finding out, it was an ultrasound... I think more than anything I have guilt for that whole situation. It wont change anything and it wont bring the baby back, but I wouldn't feel like such an ass right now.

I dont know there's still a lot of emotion in me right now, and its probably best if I just feel theminstead of trying to sort them... That can come later...

*sigh*

Not really a lot to say today. Im kind of blogged out... fear not, I will not abandon tho. I am just trying to stay busy and keep my mind off stuff. I keep coming across stuff that takes my mind back to everything that happens... the ugly hospital socks dylan wanted, the meds I have to take every few hours... The book called "a shattered dream" they gave me... I know, real nice huh? As if I dont know already, thanks for the reminder. Asses.

... Just called to schedule my follow up and the receptionist asked if the appointment was for a procedure or if I was pregnant... I told her it was for a procedure I had done on Friday, and she asked what type. I know she has to, but damn woman, mind your own business! ... I started to tell her that I had to have a D&C done and started crying to her on the phone... I finally got my appt scheduled, but it's like every time those words have to come out of my mouth I can't help it. I just want to hang my head and cry.

I just managed to blow a snot bubble... Im supposed to be upset and crying, and I blew a snot bubble. Thats real sexy.

... hmm

I've been reading on thebump.com about other women that have lost babies and it doesn't really make it any easier. It makes me cry even more...

After we found out my hormone levels weren't going up in the beginning the doctor told me that I was probably going to miscarry and I didnt at that point. We saw the heartbeat, which was supposed to reduce my risk to less than 4%. I can't even imagine what was so wrong that with such a tiny little percentage of risk I still lost the baby.

I think the hardest thing for me is that the pregnancy stopped at 8 weeks and 3 days. Why didn't I start bleeding or anything? How much longer would it have been before I showed signs of miscarriage? I was so close to my second trimester and the risk is so small, only 1%. But then I wasn't even that close, because when I thought I was 11 weeks pregnant, I wasn't even that far along.

We have to wait 2-3 months to start trying again so my hormones can die down and my body can settle after the procedure that I had. I know thats the right thing to do, and I dont even really want to try right now, but it just feels like 3 months is SO far away. I know Dylan wants to try again, and he's ready as soon as I am.

I dont know... I think I'm ready as soon as we're allowed to start trying again... March or April isn't THAT far away... It just depends on how long it takes after that to actually get pregnant... sometimes it can take people months, even a year or more. I stopped birth control in like June and it took until November for us....

...

I didn't really want this blog to ONLY be about this experience, but it seems like thats all its turning into. and right now I dont really care because it's getting it all off my chest. Even if I'm saying the same thing over and over again. Oh well... We dont really have anything else going on. Dylans going to work, we're packing and moving at the end of this month.... I still have wedding dresses to finish... Pretty much the normal stuff. So I guess outside of whats going on with me personally, thats whats going on with us. It's almost valentines day and dylan asked what I wanted to do... We'll probably just go to dinner with Amara. It's going to be hard to find someone to babysit ON valentines day...

Well Paula is going to be here soon, so I'm off for now. Then I have to take Dylan some food at work then go pick up Amara...

on and on and on

spent the day with Dylan yesterday. It was good to have no agenda and not be running around like crazy. It was easier without Amara, but I miss her. Im glad Im picking her up today. It's been a long few days.

I only cried a few times yesterday, which is good... but at the same time I feel like it's going away too fast. I might not be crying but it's always there chewing at the back of my head.

The hardest part for me right now is that I'm just flat out not pregnant anymore. It's so weird. It's even more weird that it's not more weird. Even tho it was all a haze and blurred together, I accepted that I just had surgery and things are different now. The doctor told me she sent the "remains" to the lab and they're going to see what happened. If it was chromosomal in the baby but nothing wrong with me, then it might have just been a fluke. And even tho I dont really want to talk about it anymore, I want to know what my risk for next time is. It will help when we start trying again to know.

I talked to Okie yesterday. Im going in Thursday. He was busy for a few minutes and then came to talk to me and I just showed him what I wanted and where. It's not a lime anymore, just so you know. The baby's heart beat stopped at 8 weeks, so I went with the raspberry on the growth chart instead of the lime. I got a flower from the raspberry (family) plant and drew a banner. It was kind of distressed and curves back and forth with the little raspberry flower in the front. I'm getting "Necnon Vobis" on the banner in script writing. I have been trying to think of what I should put on there... Some people said to not have words, but it didn't seem right to not. Marcy said to just do a flower, but then what flower? This has to have significance... Others are saying I shouldn't even get a tattoo for what happened. Why shouldn't I? This is one of the hardest things Dylan and I have ever gone through. Its a test in life and my relationship. Its important to my life, and it deserves to be remembered. Not for the bad stuff, and the negative things. But for the good things... Like I said, eventually I will remember the good stuff like when I found out and told Dylan, teaching amara to say "baby," when we got our first ultrasound pictures. I might not have the baby to hold, but I have the memories. I have the support of my husband and my family. Its always hard for people to see, but even in a loss like this there are good things that can come from it... I suppose. At least thats what I have to convince myself of to keep going.

I have never been one to go to church, specially Catholic church... but when I was thinking about what to write on my tattoo, the only thing that really stuck with me is when they say "Peace be with you" and you reply "and also with you" ... so thats what Im getting. Because I need peace with me, and also with the baby. So rather than the whole thing, I'm getting "and also with you" in Latin. I don't speak latin, but its a good language to keep a message in a tattoo private and personal. Some people will ask, and I'll tell them if I want, but this is more for me anyways. I just want peace for myself and to be ok and heal from the situation... so "and also with you" is peace for the baby, wherever it is now. And if I ever have to experience this again, there is room for another flower or whatever I want in the same area as an add on. People might think it's morbid to "keep a tally" but thats not really what I'm doing. Im remembering and moving on. This tattoo is for healing for me.

And if nobody likes it, it's not on their body. It's on mine. You dont have to look at it or bother yourself with it. You might not understand this experience. And if you do, maybe you healed in a different way, you know?

Well I'm home alone for another 2 hours or so, I'm going to start packing... we still have a lot of stuff to go through and get rid of and I need to stay busy and distracted...

Peace

Yesterday was hard...

It was. I was scared. I didn't even really understand the surgery that I had to have done until I was there. Im grateful Paula was able to be there with me. I know Dylan would have been a great support system, but Paula was excellent as well. She said I would have done the same thing for her, and I would have. Although I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, just to be a good friend and be there for them. She's moving soon, I can be there for her and let her use my van, lol.

I got to the hospital and checked in, then was drug all over the hospital and finally put in a little room with all kinds of machines, and someone in the next room who just wanted to stay naked. Thank god we weren't sharing a room... Specially cause it was a guy. I got changed and hung out in the bed covered in the worst feeling blanket on the planet, just waiting... The nurses came in and checked on me, and the doctor came to see me. The anesthesiologist came in as well, a male. Bleh. But he was nice, even tho he flat out asked me if I had miscarried. Dr. Werner swung around and gave him this look like "you've got to be shitting me"... but it just kind of flew over my head. I said yes. It was true. It definitely wasn't voluntary for me to be there, and I made that clear.

My nurse was really nice. She felt bad coming into the room because she was 32 weeks pregnant, but I told her it was ok. It sucked, but it wasn't her fault that I was there. I talked to her and she said she understood where I was, she'd lost 2 babies before this pregnancy. It made it easier to sit there and talk with her. I think it brought up a lot of memories for her, she kind of got teary eyed talking to me about it. She talked me through my IV and was really nice about putting it in. Even numbed my hand for me. I was terrified of the IV because the one I got when I was having Amara was horrific. They gave the the meds to relax me, and for some reason I just burst out laughing. I couldn't even control it. Laughing was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn't stop... Finally I settled down and looked and Paula and said "theres nothing funny about whats gon on here" ... I guess I needed to prove to her that I was still in pain and not ok, I dont know...

After a while they wheeled me into the room where they were going to do the surgery. I saw Dr. Werner and she assured me things were going to be ok and I believed her. I really didnt understand that it was a full blown surgery when I first when in to do it. I dont know what I thought was going to happen. I remember when I got into the room the doc said I looked pale. I was scared shitless, thats why. I was starting to have a panic attack, and I was cold from the fluids they were giving me. Every time I said I was cold they would go to this heater thing and pull out a warm blanket and cover me with it. I'd probably used like 6 by the time we were done in there.

Before I went in I took my lip ring and tongue ring out. It was weird. It was really hard to get my lip ring out too, but if I hadn't they were going to have to shove a tube in my throat. And I wasnt trying to have that, so I'll be damned if I didn't get that lip ring out... So after I'd been in the room for a minute I calmed down and they put a mask over my face. She told me it was a little bit of oxygen. She lied, cause thats the last thing I remember anyone saying.

I woke up in a different room, smothered in warm blankets. But I was pissed that they'd woken me up. I could slept for hours, and thats all I wanted to do. I kept trying to go to sleep, and the lady kept trying to wake me up. If I were able to move any quicker I would have choked her to death. She was older, Im sure nobody would have minded... (demented, I know). I remember getting wheeled back into my little room, but there was a chair waiting for me instead of the bed. So... with my ass hanging out (awesome) I had to switch into the chair. I thought it wasn't going to be comfy cause it looked hard, but as soon as I got in there they put the feet out and I was sold. It's kind of weird to have you in a chair instead of laying down, but maybe it helps with... the aftermath...? I was relieved when Pam (the nurse) told me that Dylan was at the hospital. I hadn't seen him yet, but he was there somewhere. They brought me sprite and some saltine crackers. Maybe it was because I hadn't eaten in almost 12 hours, but those saltines were like... the best things ever. I even asked for more. There were grahm crackers but I didn't even touch those... After a little bit Dylan got there. he'd been waiting in the pharmacy for my meds. I guess it took almost an hour. I felt better as soon as I saw him coming around the corner, but some of the first words out of my mouth were "dont touch my saltines." ... lol. who knows. But something was going to happen if he ate my crackers, I'll tell you that.

After a while they had to check me, the IV came out and I was allowed to get dressed again... those ass-less gowns were so comfy and fashion forward, why would I want to tho, right?... wrong. I hate those things. They're drafty and regardless of how many times you check, you'll always feel like your butt is showing... I didn't get to see Dr. Werner again but I will in another week or so. I am probably going to thank her, if anything. I know this isn't what she became an OB to do, but she was really nice and it helped me a lot. I dont know if she's been where I have before, but she was a great doc, and like I said before, I'm going back to her in the future...

After I was dressed Dylan went to get the car, and they wheeled me down in a HUGE... I mean HUGE wheelchair. 2 people could have sat in it, and they told me that wasn't even the big one... how big do you need to be for the big one? But I got outside, Dylan helped me in the car and we were on our way home. We talked a little bit, but nothing too in depth... I interupted to tell him I wanted Jimmy Johns for dinner, and he stopped off and got it for me. I ate when we got home and just sort of hung out in the recliner for a while. He got me a blanket and pillow, and I crocheted for a while. I took the pills I was supposed to and felt fine, and then all the sudden I was OUT. There wasnt a chance in hell I was getting out of that chair either... until I woke up covered in drool. gross...

This morning I woke up groggy, but just couldn't sleep anymore. I've been on the computer typing for almost an hour now and my head still feels kind of fuzzy and swollen. It's 10:40 and even tho I'm hungry I dont feel like eating... and yet again the only thing that sounds good is Jimmy Johns. I've made up my mind that Im going to talk to Okie today, as long as I still feel ok later... I'm not sure if I'll be able to get the whole story out, but all he needs to know is my design, why, and where. I might not be able to get the actual tattoo done today, but ASAP would be nice. I was talking to shawna and there's a void that has to be filled after something like this happens. She got a really cute bird, Im getting a lime tattoo. I have amara, I have enough to take care of with her, another animal or something would be too much. I can handle a tattoo...

The day after

I try to keep myself busy so I dont think about everything, but it's always there in the back of my mind. I try not to cry about it, but every time I sit down to write another blog I just start bawling. Almost the whole time Im typing. It's so hard not to, but I feel so much better after I post it. I dont know how many people have read it, and Im sure this is kind of blunt, but I just can't keep it inside. It's too much information thrown at me all at once, so much is changing.

It's hard to think that when we move now I dont have to worry about what to do for a theme if we have a boy. It's hard to look at the quilt I just spent all day making, but somehow can't move from the spot by the computer. Every time I look at it I'm reminded, but there it still sits. I can't decide if I should burn it, cuddle with it, or just put it away somewhere. Am I even going to use it for our next baby? Maybe. And maybe by then I wont think about the bad. I'll be able to remember the good stuff, like when the heartbeat was healthy, and when I made the little shirt for amara that said "best big sis ever" and went to see dylan at work. Maybe sometime soon I'll be ok. But I know that "sometime soon" still isn't going to be this week, maybe not even this month. It's there somewhere... I'll find it, but I need to get there on my own.

Dylan finally cut loose. I had only asked him a few times how he was doing because I know how it makes me react. He's still had to go to work through all of this, and I know the salesmans smile on his face is fake, but he's convincing. Sometimes I almost believed that he was made of iron and it wasn't going to break him down. Then I came into the office and sat on his lap, asking how he was doing. He got really upset and said that he didn't do his job. He wasn't able to protect everyone in the family and he failed. He couldn't keep the baby safe from what was going on and it was tearing him up inside. I just stood up and hugged him and let him talk. I didn't know what else to do. It was finally his turn to vent. Now I understand where he was coming from. I know it's going to sound so terrible, but he can't protect a baby that I can't even keep alive. It's true. Think what you want, but it's true. On the same note, I'm just really going down the path helping me believe that this wasn't a healthy pregnancy. The doctor saw signs of it at my first ultrasound with the thickness of the neck. I just didn't want to believe it then. But right now, I know that my body was smart enough that little baby is in a better place right now. If the only problem would have been something like Downs syndrome, I'd be almost 12 weeks pregnant, and not an empty uteris. I just have to believe that my body was smart enough to deal with it now, rather than months down the road, or maybe right after the baby was born. It's not easier right now because of that, but I imagine it only gets harder down the road the further along you get.

I love you Dylan, and you didn't fail as the protector and leader of our family. None of us failed in any role of our situation. Believe that.

I know this isn't my fault. It's not anyones "fault" except the fault in the pregnancy. The fact that Im not blaming myself doesn't make me any more righteous than any other mother thats lost a baby, but right now, in this second I feel like it will allow me to move on ... easier, maybe? I dont really know what the right word is because it's not going to be EASY, by any means. But I dont have to hate myself, then hate the doctor, then hate this and that, then convince myself that it was just supposed to be that way. Im there right now. Along with many others who've felt this. I dont want to hurt anymore, but I dont want to just be "ok" with it either. I just... need to be. Sometimes it feels weird that Im not crying about it like the first 2 days, even tho Im hurting. Everytime I think about anything right now it reminds me, but it seems like it's harder for the tears to come. I am not ready for that yet.

I dont know... I can't really focus on any one topic right now. It's all confusing and hurtful... Tomorrow I'm going to go to my parents and pick up my little girl, appreciating her more, loving her more. She wont replace another baby, but she's going to help distract me and heal me.

I'll admit that yesterday when we went for a follow-up there was a twinge of hope that we'd find a heartbeat and everything would be ok. But I was prepared for the result that was actually true. I just can't live my life on false hopes, being let down all the time. It's too hard on me, and as pessimistic as it sounds, I would rather be prepared for the worst situation possible. The blow is less, and when things turn out better, it makes it even better.... If that makes sense. Im not negative or pessimistic for thinking that way. Im realistic. As much as it's going to kill Dylan to read this (if he does) I dont blame god for taking the baby, because I dont believe thats what happened. I dont even know if I believe in god. And dont blame me or hate on me for that. I wasn't raised in a house where he was present and supposed to be "feared" and all that. But even if that were the case, and god willed me to be pregnant... he should have known that it wasn't going to be healthy in the first place. *shakes head* I never understood that. He didn't point his finger at me and say "make a baby"... I ovulated, had sex and got pregnant. He didn't "allow" anything, I had an egg, dylan had some sperm... it just is what it is. I dont know. Incase you can't tell I'm more of an evoloution kind of person that a god fearing kind of person. If that offends you, I can't believe you made it this far into my blog.

This will probably be the only mention of god for a while. I just dont believe that he had a hand in my situation, my life, any of it. I dont. I can't explain why, so dont ask.

... All done

Exactly. It's all done. And Im disgustingly at peace with it for the current time being. I dont know whats wrong with me, but I know Im still on a lot of meds from the hospital. Its only been a few hours, Im not ready to not feel pain from this. How can I just brush it off so easily?

That being said, Im sure my next post will be coming from a totally different emotion, and who knows what it's going to be...

Im not ok... at all. You might look at me and see me smile, telling a joke or holding a normal conversation, but underneath there is still a lot of pain... I play and smile at Amara and ask her for hugs, but as soon as she turns away that joy is gone. Its all just a fake. Im faking myself and everyone around me.

I got home from the hospital about an hour ago with Dylan... The baby is gone and I miss it. I miss everything about it. I didn't get to see its little body one last time in the ultrasound, or hear it's heartbeat again. It's hard. How could I have not known that there was something going on? Why didn't my body let me know what everything was wrong? why why why? there will always be a why. What comes before it and after it will always change, but why will always be the same.... why?

I dont even really ask why me. I dont ask what I did wrong. I believe people when they tell me that it isn't my fault. I feel to blame for not knowing better, but I felt fine. I felt ok physically until they were there to do the surgery. I was scared. I got into the room and almost had an anxiety attack. I was going to get up and leave, but I just laid there, blood pressure rising, scared. Paula couldn't go in there, Dylan wasn't at the hospital yet. I was alone. I do really appreciate my doc tho. Even tho she's pregnant and that was kind of hard for me, I got over it. She's a great person and I will deffinately be going back to her again... My nurse was pregnant too. She said she was sorry for coming into the room. She didn't realise I'd miscarried until she was already in there. I didn't even notice she was showing until she stood up. I told her I was ok with it and not to worry... She told me she'd been in the same place I was twice before. I told her congrats on the baby and I would cross my fingers for a quick and easy labor...

It's been a day. One day that I hope to never repeat... ever again. My heart aches, but theres nothing I can do but let more time pass. As long as I feel up to it Im going to go talk to Okie about my lime... If not tomorrow, then Tuesday when he's there again. Its just one of those things that I have to do.

Im tired. Im going to bed. I'll be back tomorrow.

Same news

... so I just got home from the doctors office. I recieved the same news about the baby and nothing positive to report. I am waiting for my mom to come pick up Amara for a few days so I can recover from what has to be done today. I dont seem to be getting "rid" of anything on my own so they're going to take care of it for me. I dont know how I'm going to feel after but I know it's going to be hard. I am going to be lonely with Amara at my moms and Dylan going to work, but thats the only option there is. I ... dont really know what else to say. I can't even really cry any more. It just hurts so much.

Mom just drove away with Amara. I could tell Amara didn't want to leave me, she usually doesn't get upset when she's leaving. I pointed to my tummy and told her to say "bye" to the baby and she waved and said "buh-bye" and blew a kiss. She doesn't know whats going on, but I thought she should say good bye at least. Just because she's 2 doesn't mean she's clueless. She cried and I didn't want her to leave but I know it's going to be easier taking care of myself that way. I'll just have to find something to distract myself after I get home...

I guess Im going to be on an IV drip so I wont remember anything. I'll be awake and talking, but not going to remember anything. Thats good. And sad at the same time. I dont really want to remember, but I dont want it to be a blur either. I dont know... Dylan has to work so I dont think he can make it up to Bellevue to see me until everything is done. Paula is on her way over here now, she's going to drive me up there. I dont know if she's going to hang out or not, but I wouldn't expect her to sit in the lobby for 4 hours... It's up to her. It seems kind of lonely to know that nobody is going to be sitting in the lobby waiting for me. I wont have a baby inside, I wont have a baby at home...

Nice...

Back again...

hey, me again... obviously. Just took a nap while amara was laying down and kind of feel like ass now. I went to the mall with Shawna to get out of the house for a while, and it was a good distraction but we still ended up talking about baby stuff. She went through something similar at 6 weeks so we were talking about it on and off.

Now Im home again forcing myself to eat. I haven't had an appetite all day, and feel like it isn't going to come back any time soon.

I just keep thinking about tomorrow, preparing for the worst. It will make the blow easier than hoping for a miracle and wishing there is a heartbeat. It's all going to be hard. I am so scared of the D&C. Im even more scared that there is a lifeless little baby inside me. How many more times will this happen? Im so drained emotionally I dont even want to think about that. I've cried my eyes dry. Litterally, they're all scratchy and dry.

I know that other people have gone through this, and will go through it, but it doesn't make my situation easier. It doesn't make anyones easier. I read on thebump.com that one girl lost twins at 18 weeks, and another girl lost her baby at 22 weeks... only 3 more weeks and they'd have been able to keep him on life support, but his lungs weren't developed. I never really understood a miscarriage or loss until now, and even going through it I still dont. I just dont get it. Even if this baby had had medical problems, why couldn't it be OUR choice on what to do? Our decision would have been the total opposite of what is happening to us, too. I just keep trying to tell myself that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and this baby just wasn't supposed to make it to the world. But that doesn't make it any easier on me. Or Dylan. This was supposed to be a boy... and now its not going to be anything. How can I be so stuffed with vital organs and stuff to keep me alive and feel so empty?

I told my little sister what was going on and she asked if I was ok. I told her "not right now, and not tomorrow, but in a long time I will be." and its true. I know I'll survive and get pregnant and make other babies. But thats not whats happening right now. Im broken inside and Im so confused. any time someone tells me I'll be ok, or offers their support, or tells me they've been through something similar it just makes me cry.

Anyone that really knows me knows that I've been though a lot in life. Just since Dylan and I got married. Financial times, cars broken into and stolen, moving all the time... after I while I just shut it out and go with the flow. After a while I know that something is going to go wrong if everything has been easy for a while. Its easier to just roll with it, than to break down and freak out every time there isn't enough money in the account, or a bill can't be paid. Even with Amara. we were so excited but it was just another thing to learn to deal with. I wasn't shocked. I wasn't on birth control, how could I be? But this... I didn't ever ever think we would have to deal with this. Im only 23, who really plans to be ready for a miscarriage?

I dont want this wound to be so fresh, but I dont really want to forget it over time either. It's not only the situation itself, but it's Dylan and I becoming closer and dealing with this in our relationship, it's appreciating Amara more and more every day, and it's growing and healing and moving on. But unless something miraculous happens at my appointment tomorrow, I am going to go talk to Okie on Saturday about getting some ink done. I know it might be too soon, and may not be the best idea. But I get tattoos that mean something, and that are important in my life. my star for missy and me, my daughters foot print...

I was looking at a growth chart on thebump.com and it compared the size of baby to different foods so you could get an idea of how big the fetus was each week. This week, being 11 weeks, the baby should have been the size of a Lime. I know it's not the most exciting thing, but it's completely stuck in my head now, so I think thats what Im going to have done. I haven't been able to think of anything better, and a 2" long fetus is too morbid and nasty. I think a lime with some script writing on a banner, or above it will be perfect. I have a great space on my left wrist, and although it will show a lot, I think it will be a good part of healing for me. Blair mentioned that I might miscarry other times, but Im trying to focus on this experience. This is my first, this has been the hardest thing to deal with, probably in my life. And I want to remember. If it happens again then I'll go from there, but this, right now is what Im thinking about.

A lime might be weird but I feel like I will be able to look at it fondly and remember the good times, like when I first found out we were going to have another baby, when I saw it on the ultrasound the first time, and when I heard the tiny little heartbeat and saw it on the monitor... Even tho this baby will be gone soon, there are good times that come in a short pregnancy. I know they're far and few between because of all the problems, but there is good stuff to remember too. And THAT is what I need to worry about to move on...