... hmm

I've been reading on thebump.com about other women that have lost babies and it doesn't really make it any easier. It makes me cry even more...

After we found out my hormone levels weren't going up in the beginning the doctor told me that I was probably going to miscarry and I didnt at that point. We saw the heartbeat, which was supposed to reduce my risk to less than 4%. I can't even imagine what was so wrong that with such a tiny little percentage of risk I still lost the baby.

I think the hardest thing for me is that the pregnancy stopped at 8 weeks and 3 days. Why didn't I start bleeding or anything? How much longer would it have been before I showed signs of miscarriage? I was so close to my second trimester and the risk is so small, only 1%. But then I wasn't even that close, because when I thought I was 11 weeks pregnant, I wasn't even that far along.

We have to wait 2-3 months to start trying again so my hormones can die down and my body can settle after the procedure that I had. I know thats the right thing to do, and I dont even really want to try right now, but it just feels like 3 months is SO far away. I know Dylan wants to try again, and he's ready as soon as I am.

I dont know... I think I'm ready as soon as we're allowed to start trying again... March or April isn't THAT far away... It just depends on how long it takes after that to actually get pregnant... sometimes it can take people months, even a year or more. I stopped birth control in like June and it took until November for us....

...

I didn't really want this blog to ONLY be about this experience, but it seems like thats all its turning into. and right now I dont really care because it's getting it all off my chest. Even if I'm saying the same thing over and over again. Oh well... We dont really have anything else going on. Dylans going to work, we're packing and moving at the end of this month.... I still have wedding dresses to finish... Pretty much the normal stuff. So I guess outside of whats going on with me personally, thats whats going on with us. It's almost valentines day and dylan asked what I wanted to do... We'll probably just go to dinner with Amara. It's going to be hard to find someone to babysit ON valentines day...

Well Paula is going to be here soon, so I'm off for now. Then I have to take Dylan some food at work then go pick up Amara...