It's hard to think that when we move now I dont have to worry about what to do for a theme if we have a boy. It's hard to look at the quilt I just spent all day making, but somehow can't move from the spot by the computer. Every time I look at it I'm reminded, but there it still sits. I can't decide if I should burn it, cuddle with it, or just put it away somewhere. Am I even going to use it for our next baby? Maybe. And maybe by then I wont think about the bad. I'll be able to remember the good stuff, like when the heartbeat was healthy, and when I made the little shirt for amara that said "best big sis ever" and went to see dylan at work. Maybe sometime soon I'll be ok. But I know that "sometime soon" still isn't going to be this week, maybe not even this month. It's there somewhere... I'll find it, but I need to get there on my own.
Dylan finally cut loose. I had only asked him a few times how he was doing because I know how it makes me react. He's still had to go to work through all of this, and I know the salesmans smile on his face is fake, but he's convincing. Sometimes I almost believed that he was made of iron and it wasn't going to break him down. Then I came into the office and sat on his lap, asking how he was doing. He got really upset and said that he didn't do his job. He wasn't able to protect everyone in the family and he failed. He couldn't keep the baby safe from what was going on and it was tearing him up inside. I just stood up and hugged him and let him talk. I didn't know what else to do. It was finally his turn to vent. Now I understand where he was coming from. I know it's going to sound so terrible, but he can't protect a baby that I can't even keep alive. It's true. Think what you want, but it's true. On the same note, I'm just really going down the path helping me believe that this wasn't a healthy pregnancy. The doctor saw signs of it at my first ultrasound with the thickness of the neck. I just didn't want to believe it then. But right now, I know that my body was smart enough that little baby is in a better place right now. If the only problem would have been something like Downs syndrome, I'd be almost 12 weeks pregnant, and not an empty uteris. I just have to believe that my body was smart enough to deal with it now, rather than months down the road, or maybe right after the baby was born. It's not easier right now because of that, but I imagine it only gets harder down the road the further along you get.
I love you Dylan, and you didn't fail as the protector and leader of our family. None of us failed in any role of our situation. Believe that.
I know this isn't my fault. It's not anyones "fault" except the fault in the pregnancy. The fact that Im not blaming myself doesn't make me any more righteous than any other mother thats lost a baby, but right now, in this second I feel like it will allow me to move on ... easier, maybe? I dont really know what the right word is because it's not going to be EASY, by any means. But I dont have to hate myself, then hate the doctor, then hate this and that, then convince myself that it was just supposed to be that way. Im there right now. Along with many others who've felt this. I dont want to hurt anymore, but I dont want to just be "ok" with it either. I just... need to be. Sometimes it feels weird that Im not crying about it like the first 2 days, even tho Im hurting. Everytime I think about anything right now it reminds me, but it seems like it's harder for the tears to come. I am not ready for that yet.
I dont know... I can't really focus on any one topic right now. It's all confusing and hurtful... Tomorrow I'm going to go to my parents and pick up my little girl, appreciating her more, loving her more. She wont replace another baby, but she's going to help distract me and heal me.
I'll admit that yesterday when we went for a follow-up there was a twinge of hope that we'd find a heartbeat and everything would be ok. But I was prepared for the result that was actually true. I just can't live my life on false hopes, being let down all the time. It's too hard on me, and as pessimistic as it sounds, I would rather be prepared for the worst situation possible. The blow is less, and when things turn out better, it makes it even better.... If that makes sense. Im not negative or pessimistic for thinking that way. Im realistic. As much as it's going to kill Dylan to read this (if he does) I dont blame god for taking the baby, because I dont believe thats what happened. I dont even know if I believe in god. And dont blame me or hate on me for that. I wasn't raised in a house where he was present and supposed to be "feared" and all that. But even if that were the case, and god willed me to be pregnant... he should have known that it wasn't going to be healthy in the first place. *shakes head* I never understood that. He didn't point his finger at me and say "make a baby"... I ovulated, had sex and got pregnant. He didn't "allow" anything, I had an egg, dylan had some sperm... it just is what it is. I dont know. Incase you can't tell I'm more of an evoloution kind of person that a god fearing kind of person. If that offends you, I can't believe you made it this far into my blog.
This will probably be the only mention of god for a while. I just dont believe that he had a hand in my situation, my life, any of it. I dont. I can't explain why, so dont ask.
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