I feel like today has drug on forever... Actually more than anything, I feel guilty. I haven't really spent much time thinking about the baby, the loss, or anything really. I went to Yakima today and totally zoned out on the drive there and home, not really thinking about anything. I guess thats good, but I dont want to be NOT thinking about it already.
I have been trying to just really enjoy amara and play with her today, give her kisses and hugs and all that jazz. She's been a turd so its making it kind of hard, haha!
For the past few nights I have been taking something to help me sleep, but avoided it last night... I was totally wiped out last night when I headed upstairs, but as soon as I got in bed I started thinking about everything and felt wide awake... I ended up having a complete mental breakdown. I cried into my pillow for like 15 minutes, wishing that Dylan was there with me, and then passed out. I slept straight through the night until my alarm went off but I still feel like a zombie...
I just wish that time would go faster and we could find out what happened to the baby this time. Dylan and I are going in for blood draws on the first to see if there is a problem with us when our chromosomes come together... If there is, it could mean Amara is an only child. I can't take the heartbreak of trying over and over to get the same result. I almost feel like I would rather be infertile than be able to make babies that can't survive because of some disorder. It's heartbreaking to deal with and I just wish I had the answer right now...
well... I managed to survive writting that blog without crying, but Im sure I'll be back to write more later...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
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