Amara's birthday tomorrow...

Its Amara's birthday tomorrow! I am really excited, and luckily that plays off really well in text, cause as im writing this Im actually crying my eyes out... It IS her birthday tomorrow, and it's going to be fun. But it's hard to think that I might not have any other kids birthdays to celebrate. I know, I know. I babbel about this alot, but when it hits me it hits me hard. I just found out yet another friend was pregnant with a happy healthy pregnancy, and here I sit... In my "situation" yet again. For the 3rd time this year. The worst thing is that I dont know when it's going to get better. I can't just avoid people and tell them they suck because they're having a baby. I mean, I -CAN- but it's not really that appropriate.

It just hurts, and I dont understand. And when I dont understand, I try and disect it until I've exhausted myself...

Im going in to see Dr. Werner again in a few weeks to get an IUD... the 5 year birth control. I really feel in my heart right now that I WONT be trying for any more kids. I just can't imagine gearing myself up for getting pregnant after so much time, and then having the same thing happen. I just dont want to put my mind or body thru that. Not now or in the future, regardless of how far away that is. Adopting is always an option but it's not JUST about the baby. it's about me being pregnant and having that whole experience again. I had a GREAT time with amara and really wanted to do it again... Well, do it again and make it all the way to the 40 week finish line. Maybe it's not in the cards for me right now, but even if it is in the future, I dont know if I'll be ready. It's like... deciding to cut my own finger off. There's a lot of thought that has to go into that, ya know? You can't just wack it off and not worry about the consicuences and stuff of the aftermath.

Please... dont read this and suggest "waiting it out" or adopting, or surrogocy or any of that... I know what my options are. And I jsut want to sit here typing, being angry, and piss and moan for a little bit. Trust me, I've had a lot of time to think things over.

*shakes head* ... Anyways. Tomorrow Im going to get hit the store and maybe make amara some cupcakes or a small cake... I have to decide which of her christmas presents to give her (since I forgot to save a birthday present for tomorrow)... And Grandpa Ramsey is coming over for dinner. We're having lasagna, should be a good time. So... wish me luck. In everything.