Now Im home again forcing myself to eat. I haven't had an appetite all day, and feel like it isn't going to come back any time soon.
I just keep thinking about tomorrow, preparing for the worst. It will make the blow easier than hoping for a miracle and wishing there is a heartbeat. It's all going to be hard. I am so scared of the D&C. Im even more scared that there is a lifeless little baby inside me. How many more times will this happen? Im so drained emotionally I dont even want to think about that. I've cried my eyes dry. Litterally, they're all scratchy and dry.
I know that other people have gone through this, and will go through it, but it doesn't make my situation easier. It doesn't make anyones easier. I read on thebump.com that one girl lost twins at 18 weeks, and another girl lost her baby at 22 weeks... only 3 more weeks and they'd have been able to keep him on life support, but his lungs weren't developed. I never really understood a miscarriage or loss until now, and even going through it I still dont. I just dont get it. Even if this baby had had medical problems, why couldn't it be OUR choice on what to do? Our decision would have been the total opposite of what is happening to us, too. I just keep trying to tell myself that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and this baby just wasn't supposed to make it to the world. But that doesn't make it any easier on me. Or Dylan. This was supposed to be a boy... and now its not going to be anything. How can I be so stuffed with vital organs and stuff to keep me alive and feel so empty?
I told my little sister what was going on and she asked if I was ok. I told her "not right now, and not tomorrow, but in a long time I will be." and its true. I know I'll survive and get pregnant and make other babies. But thats not whats happening right now. Im broken inside and Im so confused. any time someone tells me I'll be ok, or offers their support, or tells me they've been through something similar it just makes me cry.
Anyone that really knows me knows that I've been though a lot in life. Just since Dylan and I got married. Financial times, cars broken into and stolen, moving all the time... after I while I just shut it out and go with the flow. After a while I know that something is going to go wrong if everything has been easy for a while. Its easier to just roll with it, than to break down and freak out every time there isn't enough money in the account, or a bill can't be paid. Even with Amara. we were so excited but it was just another thing to learn to deal with. I wasn't shocked. I wasn't on birth control, how could I be? But this... I didn't ever ever think we would have to deal with this. Im only 23, who really plans to be ready for a miscarriage?
I dont want this wound to be so fresh, but I dont really want to forget it over time either. It's not only the situation itself, but it's Dylan and I becoming closer and dealing with this in our relationship, it's appreciating Amara more and more every day, and it's growing and healing and moving on. But unless something miraculous happens at my appointment tomorrow, I am going to go talk to Okie on Saturday about getting some ink done. I know it might be too soon, and may not be the best idea. But I get tattoos that mean something, and that are important in my life. my star for missy and me, my daughters foot print...
I was looking at a growth chart on thebump.com and it compared the size of baby to different foods so you could get an idea of how big the fetus was each week. This week, being 11 weeks, the baby should have been the size of a Lime. I know it's not the most exciting thing, but it's completely stuck in my head now, so I think thats what Im going to have done. I haven't been able to think of anything better, and a 2" long fetus is too morbid and nasty. I think a lime with some script writing on a banner, or above it will be perfect. I have a great space on my left wrist, and although it will show a lot, I think it will be a good part of healing for me. Blair mentioned that I might miscarry other times, but Im trying to focus on this experience. This is my first, this has been the hardest thing to deal with, probably in my life. And I want to remember. If it happens again then I'll go from there, but this, right now is what Im thinking about.
A lime might be weird but I feel like I will be able to look at it fondly and remember the good times, like when I first found out we were going to have another baby, when I saw it on the ultrasound the first time, and when I heard the tiny little heartbeat and saw it on the monitor... Even tho this baby will be gone soon, there are good times that come in a short pregnancy. I know they're far and few between because of all the problems, but there is good stuff to remember too. And THAT is what I need to worry about to move on...
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