I think yesterday was sort of closure for me, to some extent? I went and saw Dr. Werner for a follow up to my surgery last Friday. We talked, I updated her on whats been going on, my blog, and Dylan and I being ready to try when the time was right (and ok). I told her that when I was pregnant again that I would for sure being coming back to see her, and she said she really hoped I did.
I dont know who saw pictures of it, but right before I found out about the baby I made a blanket... it was a really cute quilt with a super soft backing on it. I used green, white and brown for the colors since it would easily tie in with a girl or boy (once we found out.) Until yesterday this blanket sat next to the computer on my desk, un-touched. I hated the sight of it, and every time I saw it, I was reminded of what happened.
Well I took it with me to my appointment yesterday, and I gave it to Dr. Werner... She is currently pregnant, due in April, and they're not finding out whether its a boy or girl. I wanted to thank her in some way for all of her support and really being there for me through this experience. She thanked me and said she would put it in the nursery and use it once the baby was born. She really liked it and was excited to find out that I'd personally made it.
It was too weird to tell her that I'd made it for MY baby... and I didn't want to ruin the present for her. I know the blanket is in a good place where it will be used and appreciated... Me getting rid of the blanket felt like the right thing to do, even if I had to withhold some information about it.
It might just be a blanket I made, but I feel like that helped me. I trusted my doctor to take it and keep it in a safe place... Kind of like how I trusted her to take the baby and put it in a safe place. Maybe not mentally, but at least put my mind at ease. I dont know, when I try to type out what I'm talking about, it sound stupid. But I know even if that blanket was made for my baby, it's in the right place now. My doctor is incredible and I know that if she could change any of this for me in a split second she would. I'm sure a lot of people would, but it's nice to be so cared about even after knowing her and seeing her a short number of times.
I cried today, and yesterday, and the day before... and every single day before that since Wednesday... but slowly it gets a tiny bit easier to think and talk about... Today I've only cried once, and even if it messes up the makeup every time, it still feels good to cry about it.
so now... I'm going to go finish my PB&J, get Amara dressed and go see Dylan at the mall. Then I'm going to go hang out with Paula tonight and watch Project Runway... Tomorrow I will wake up and start a new day all over again, but I will also be getting at tattoo to remember my little 2" long baby, my experience, and becoming closer with Dylan and Amara. There are some really good memories and things that come out of something like this, even if they're really hard to see at first... you just have to clean off the fog in the mirror and look really, really deep down inside...
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