Life moves so fast....

Last time I checked in, I was worried about which doctor to go to, insurance, and whether we were going to have room for another kid... I am GALAXIES away from that now. Now I face the loss of another baby, whether Im strong enough to keep my head above water, and whether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future. Like I said, Im in a totally different place.

I went in for the proof of pregnacy at the Public Health office and had to get this "internal exam" done. It was to help the nurse see how far along I was, since I didn't have a period to go from. After that I started spotting a TINY bit which was normal, so I tried to ignore it. The next day it was still there and getting a little bit worse. I panicked and went to the ER at Overlake with Amara. After a blood draw, invasive ultrasound and sitting in the ER for a total of 5 hours, I was told the news I already knew deep down inside. After knowing a few short weeks of this pregnancy, it was taken away. They said that it might just be implantation bleeding, but I knew it was over already. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

And now what has been weighing on my mind more than anything is whether I will ever get to a full term pregnancy again. I know there are plenty of options as far as us having more kids, but -I- want to be pregnant. I had an excellent experience with Amara and dont feel like I'll ever have another chance. I would rather be totally infertile after Amara, then have the ability to EASILY get pregnant, and not make it past 8 weeks. It makes me sick to think about it all.

I feel like Im turning into a withdrawn person, spending time in my room alone a lot, not sitting with or playing with Amara like I used to... I try to get out of the house and talk about the things spinning a wicked web in my head, but sometimes it's just so hard. I miss the babies I never got to meet. I miss the feeling of being pregnant. One loss can really change a person, but 3... Its so hard to deal when they're so close together. It's like Im healing from them as a whole unit and trying to move on, but not dealing with the individual experience I had. I JUST had a miscarriage in September, and here I am again, already gone through another in November. Disgusting.

Anyways... There's a lot more to tell but just thinking/crying over this entry is making my neck and chest hurt. I'll be back later.