... had an ultrasound today

So I never updated after the 27th but I had a great ultrasound and saw the baby, heartbeat and location of the pregnancy. It was a good appointment, the only problem was that I as measuring about a week behind (but that happens to a lot of people).

Well I went to the specialist today for an ultrasound/NT screening and the tech wasn't able to find a heartbeat. As soon as I saw that I was only measuring 8w I knew there was something wrong. basically, just like last time, the babies heart stopped about 2 days after I went to the doctor.

I am staying at Cristi and Byrons right now because our place is tore to shit and we can't sleep there. There was a sewage line backup that we got the brunt of. The floors are tore up, the carpet is cut apart, and the drywall had to be cut out starting at the floor and going 2 feet up the wall. It's rediculas over there and we can't even sleep there because of the contamination.

I can't even cry when I think about it... I am cried out. I dont really know what to say since I've already been through all this stuff. I am heartbroken and I just can't BELIEVE this is going on again. I've already seen Doc werner and been to the hospital. My mom and dad took amara for the weekend, and Cristi spent the day with me at the hospital making sure that I wasnt alone (dylan had to stay at the condo because of the carpet cleaner guys)... It was hard to not have him there but at least having Cristi has been able to distract me and keep my mind busy. I just feel terrible right now. I took a whole Percocet in hopes that it'll help me get to sleep and sleep like a rock. I dont even care what time I end up waking up. Dylan has to work at 130.

I talked to Okie already today. He's going to add a flower to my tattoo on my wrist for free. I have a pink one there but am thinking of doing a purple or different color one... He also was really nice and took my lip ring out today so I didn't have to do it at the hospital. He gave me a big hug as soon as I walked in and said he was so sorry and we talked a little bit. It was nice to know he cares and was there to help. I am probably going in tuesday to put another little flower in my tattoo... I know that some people done understand but it's really my way of healing and processing things.

I wish I could cry. I feel like I should. I just can't right now. but every time someone asks if Im ok or how Im feeling it just makes me burst into tears. Dr. Werner said she was really sorry and that "her heart bleeds for me" and stuff. She's on vacation but I have to go see her after she gets back.

London's wedding is tomorrow but I dont know if Im going ot make it. Cristi said she'd drive me so I know I can get there, I just need to see if Im up to it. I really dont want to miss it... but we'll see what happens.

I am sure I"ll be back tomorrow. I am going to be sitting around watching TV with cristi tomorrow and will probably have plenty of time to type and talk... I just feel like it's not even really happening...

anyways. Im out. Thanks for listening...