*sigh*

Slight mental breakdown this morning... I woke up today and my hands were still sore and achey, so I called the doc office and left a message. It doesn't make sense to me either, but according to the paper I got from WIC swollen hands and face are signs of miscarriage. My hands and face aren't swollen but as soon as I saw that I thought maybe the symptom was just showing up a little different for me. I still dont get how the 2 things coordinate, but I called the doctor anyways. The office manager took the message and a nurse called me back, asking if I had any other signs of miscarriage I told her no, but I also had a missed one earlier this year, and remember the same hand pain last time. I can't really remember how it was in coloration with the actual loss, but I thought the doc should know. She basically made me feel like a total moron for even calling and said she'd talk to Dr. Werner and call me back. That was like 2 hours ago, and still nothing. you'd think that it might be sorta a priority to give me a call back but I guess not.

So I tried to get out of the house for a minute and grab coffee and got stuck at a road flagger for like 10 minutes, and JUST missed the barista I like at BigFoot... Then texting London and thinking about everything going on I just burst into tears.

Its really weird to be pregnant after a loss... Like everything could be a possible symptom of loss after you've already had one. Any weird stomach feeling makes you think you're cramping, every time you go pee you're checking to see if you're spotting... you always wonder if you really feel the same as the last pregnancy, why dont I have morning sickness, all this and that. Everything is a possible symtom, even if it's just a fart. I swear. Its stressful and wearing me out. My doc appointment isn't for another 11 days and I feel like thats going to take FOREVER. I haven't seen anything yet, no ultrasound or anything. I just want to get in there and see whats going on, the wondering is so mentally exhosting. Its hard to explain to some people, and it's hard for people that haven't been there to understand... And since it's always on your mind it seems like thats all you want to talk about, but it gets old for friends only hearing about that... And it seems like as soon as you find out you're pregnant everything becomes about that. "I can't go drink, Im knocked up" "I didnt unload the dishwasher cause I was too tired" "See that monster zit? It's cause I am raging with hormones, cause Im pregnant" or "I just wanted a back rub and I got this huge gut instead."

It just doesnt stop... I'll probably be back later, but for now... I think Im done ranting.