... All done

Exactly. It's all done. And Im disgustingly at peace with it for the current time being. I dont know whats wrong with me, but I know Im still on a lot of meds from the hospital. Its only been a few hours, Im not ready to not feel pain from this. How can I just brush it off so easily?

That being said, Im sure my next post will be coming from a totally different emotion, and who knows what it's going to be...

Im not ok... at all. You might look at me and see me smile, telling a joke or holding a normal conversation, but underneath there is still a lot of pain... I play and smile at Amara and ask her for hugs, but as soon as she turns away that joy is gone. Its all just a fake. Im faking myself and everyone around me.

I got home from the hospital about an hour ago with Dylan... The baby is gone and I miss it. I miss everything about it. I didn't get to see its little body one last time in the ultrasound, or hear it's heartbeat again. It's hard. How could I have not known that there was something going on? Why didn't my body let me know what everything was wrong? why why why? there will always be a why. What comes before it and after it will always change, but why will always be the same.... why?

I dont even really ask why me. I dont ask what I did wrong. I believe people when they tell me that it isn't my fault. I feel to blame for not knowing better, but I felt fine. I felt ok physically until they were there to do the surgery. I was scared. I got into the room and almost had an anxiety attack. I was going to get up and leave, but I just laid there, blood pressure rising, scared. Paula couldn't go in there, Dylan wasn't at the hospital yet. I was alone. I do really appreciate my doc tho. Even tho she's pregnant and that was kind of hard for me, I got over it. She's a great person and I will deffinately be going back to her again... My nurse was pregnant too. She said she was sorry for coming into the room. She didn't realise I'd miscarried until she was already in there. I didn't even notice she was showing until she stood up. I told her I was ok with it and not to worry... She told me she'd been in the same place I was twice before. I told her congrats on the baby and I would cross my fingers for a quick and easy labor...

It's been a day. One day that I hope to never repeat... ever again. My heart aches, but theres nothing I can do but let more time pass. As long as I feel up to it Im going to go talk to Okie about my lime... If not tomorrow, then Tuesday when he's there again. Its just one of those things that I have to do.

Im tired. Im going to bed. I'll be back tomorrow.