... A little insight...

The other day, I had a tiny little baby inside me... Now there's nothing. The other day I had a little baby bump to show off, and now I have an almost flat tummy again... The other day I had to wear maternity pants, now I fit into my regular jeans just fine.

Whats wrong with me? Am I not supposed to have more than one? Why do you have to go through such torture to find out you're not supposed to get more kids? Why would women try over and over to get the same result?

Im just tore down... It's really weird, I feel like Im more upset about the last loss than I am about this time. Like all the memories of first going through it are coming back up, but what just happened 3 days ago is being buried deep inside... Whats going on? I have lost 2 little babies that I wanted so desperately. People tell me they're in a better place now, where they should be, but why couldn't they just stay here with me? Even for a little bit. I didn't even get to know them. They'll never know how much we wanted them to stay, how many conversations we had about the future.

I just barely began to have faith in this pregnancy when it was all ripped out from beneath me. And now, I may never get pregnant again. Amara might be my one and only shot. I love her so much and having her gone for this whole weekend has made things so much harder. I've been sitting here on my stupid blog and listening to other peoples stories I haven't even thought to call and talk to her, see how she's doing, or hear her say "I love you" or "miss you." Because of everything going on she doesn't even get to come home for another few days. Who even knows where "home" is right now.

Im just broken. I will go an hour or 2 and not think about it and feel guilty for being able to function. Then I cry to myself, write in my blog and move on, until the next fit of bawling decides to strike. No matter how hard you try to be cautious and guarded, to not get attached to your little baby, you do. You're the one carrying it, it's inside you, you just can't stop the bond. And then all the sudden it's gone and you rub your tummy... then remember theres nothing there anymore. It's just gone and you don't even get the chance to say good-bye.

Im going in this week to get another flower added to my wrist tattoo... It's sort of like my little way to be at peace with things. the healing wont be over, but I can feel a little more comfort knowing that my little babies are safe, wherever they are. It gives me the right to be ok, whenever I'm ready for that, though I dont think it'll be any time soon...