7 months, 7 days...

Friday of last week was a stressful day. The night before our condo was flooded with backed up sewage water, I had to pack up my stuff/my daughters stuff and go stay with a friend due to contamination and my being pregnant. After being up until 130 AM with my (almost) 3 yr old, I was finally able to go to sleep, only to have to be up again at 7am for an early appointment.

I headed to the hospital where my appointment was, daughter in tote. My husband would be meeting us there since he had to work right after. We checked in to the appointment, excited to see the baby in the u/s. We got started, the tech didn't say much but continued to take pictures... I know she was trying to get it off the screen before I could see it, but there it was, staring me back in the face. The CRL was only 8w and a few days.

My heart broke into a million pieces. It was like living through my experience of loss earlier this year all over again. The tech left, came back and the doc came in to double check, but nobody had actually said anything about the tiny baby aloud. The doctor, who I believe had done my consult earlier this year (and was a total dick) just blurted it out. "well, it doesn't look like we have a heartbeat." and continued on about his business like it was nothing. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek knowing what I'd be going through in the next few hours, days, weeks and even months.

I just rolled over while the doctor talked, looking at my little girl, apoligizing in my head that there wouldn't be another baby coming. Maybe not ever, at this rate. She jumped around and played, then saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I just told her "nothing" and she put her hand on my arm and said "you'll be ok mommy, dont cry."

But I did, and I do. After the u/s appointment I went back to the condo, only to find it torn apart and gutted. Random pieces of carpet were gone, the hardwood was ruined, every room in the 1000sqr foot condo was affected. My husband informed me that he wouldn't be able to take me to the hospital, he needed to stay there because of the demolition that needed to be done. A good friend of mine, who was due about 10 days after me, took me to the hospital. He told me that he'd meet me there and take me home, but that didn't happen either.

I spent the evening in the surgical wing of Overlake Hospital, crying, laughing, watching bad TV and trying to avoid the overwhelming thoughts that kept creeping in my head.The thought of not even knowing there was a problem with my pregnancy almost disgusts me. How could I not be connected to the little body I was supposed to be growing inside? Why didn't a red flag go up? I think the hardest part of this experience is that it brings back to surface all the things I felt when I lost the last baby. It's almost like I need to heal from that all over again because of the emotions that are brought back. I keep thinking, 7 months ago I lost a baby, then remember, only 7 days ago I lost one too. How do you heal from this loss, when the last one is still so fresh?

This was my third pregnancy. I am so grateful that the first one was a success, and that my little girl is healthy and happy, running around playing... She is the light at the end of my tunnel, what gets me out of bed in the morning. Mostly because if Im not up before her, she's not a nice surprise for me at diaper change time, but still... her and my husband, and the support of some great friends are what help me keep my head up every day. Even if at 24, this is the last time I'll ever be pregnant, I succeeded once. And although it breaks my heart to think or what would or could have been, she's all I could ever ask for in a kid.

Its been a week

Yeah... I know. It's been a week already. This time last week I was sitting in a hospital room after losing my second pregnancy... I still dont really understand why. I dont really understand why it hasn't crossed my mind the last 2 days, how I can look in the mirror and look totally fine on the outside and be torn apart and screaming on the inside. I dont get why I can't just have another baby. Now I really understand how those women can continue trying so hard for a baby, even when the odds are against them. It's hard, and it hurts. A lot.

Tuesday Im going in to see Dr. Werner for my follow up. Hopefully I'll get some answers about whats going on, at least on the babies end. I know that Dylan and I still have to do our blood draw before she will know anything on that area. Every time I look at amara I just think she might be my only. And I wouldn't have it any other way... the thing that scares me the most is regardless of how hard I tried to picture our future during this pregnancy or the last one, I only ever saw Amara... even tho I was pregnant with what would have been our second and 3rd child.

I can't believe that next time I get knocked up it'll be my FOURTH round. wtf is that?

I thought this blog would be a lot more insigtful and smart sounding, but I've cried myself empty and feel "somewhat" better now... so I guess I'll go.

Time, go faster...

I feel like today has drug on forever... Actually more than anything, I feel guilty. I haven't really spent much time thinking about the baby, the loss, or anything really. I went to Yakima today and totally zoned out on the drive there and home, not really thinking about anything. I guess thats good, but I dont want to be NOT thinking about it already.

I have been trying to just really enjoy amara and play with her today, give her kisses and hugs and all that jazz. She's been a turd so its making it kind of hard, haha!

For the past few nights I have been taking something to help me sleep, but avoided it last night... I was totally wiped out last night when I headed upstairs, but as soon as I got in bed I started thinking about everything and felt wide awake... I ended up having a complete mental breakdown. I cried into my pillow for like 15 minutes, wishing that Dylan was there with me, and then passed out. I slept straight through the night until my alarm went off but I still feel like a zombie...

I just wish that time would go faster and we could find out what happened to the baby this time. Dylan and I are going in for blood draws on the first to see if there is a problem with us when our chromosomes come together... If there is, it could mean Amara is an only child. I can't take the heartbreak of trying over and over to get the same result. I almost feel like I would rather be infertile than be able to make babies that can't survive because of some disorder. It's heartbreaking to deal with and I just wish I had the answer right now...

well... I managed to survive writting that blog without crying, but Im sure I'll be back to write more later...

From thebump.com

Earlier this year I lost a baby that my family was SO ready for... I went to the doc and found out that although I was 11w 5d the hear had stopped around 8w3d... After 2 more days of ultrasound and consults I opted for the D & C, feeling it was the best choice for me. Specially since I'd had no signs of loss, cramps, bleeding, nothing. I just wanted to be done with it. The doctor asked if I wanted to do any testing to see what happened, and it turned out that the baby had an extra sex chromosome... so rather than being XY, it was XXY... I found that out while in the hospital Friday, waiting for another D & C.

I went to the doctor Friday for my NT screen and found out that I was 11w4d and the babies heart stopped somewhere around 8w4d. I had terrible flash backs to earlier this year, being that everything was happening almost exactly the same... I talked to my doctor and she asked what I wanted to do... I decided to have another D & C so that we could test the baby again and see what was going on. My husband wasn't even able to come with me to the hospital because Thursday night our condo flooded with sewage water and the walls and all the flooring/carpeting had to be ripped up. He couldn't leave the contractors there alone so a friend (who is pregnant and due a week and a half after I would have been) had to take me to the hospital and drive me home.

I can't even process losing 2 children and I am in awe of women who have made it through more than that... I got a tattoo after losing the baby earlier this year. It's a little banner that says "And also with you" in Latin. I dont go to church but I got the idea from comunion when you said "Peace (or god) be with you" " and also with you"... it reminds me that Im allowed to be ok and move on, and that I dont have to break down every time I think about the baby... But this week I am going to have another little flower added, to represent the little one we just lost. I miss being pregnant, and I miss talking about the future, even worrying about where we're going to have room for us, 2 kids, and 2 dogs in our small condo. I miss everything about it, and Im sitting here on the computer bawling, knowing that so many other women are in the same place I am, wondering when I'll get through this, if I'll be able to have more kids...

My tattoo will be there forever, but eventually it wont remind me of the loss of my would-be kids... it will remind me of the strength in my relationships, the friends I have, and the strength and determination in myself to be alright. It will remind me that I am at peace, and that the little ones are in a better place, beyond being here with me... And someday, I'll be ok with that.

We all deserve to be alright, it just takes time.

... A little insight...

The other day, I had a tiny little baby inside me... Now there's nothing. The other day I had a little baby bump to show off, and now I have an almost flat tummy again... The other day I had to wear maternity pants, now I fit into my regular jeans just fine.

Whats wrong with me? Am I not supposed to have more than one? Why do you have to go through such torture to find out you're not supposed to get more kids? Why would women try over and over to get the same result?

Im just tore down... It's really weird, I feel like Im more upset about the last loss than I am about this time. Like all the memories of first going through it are coming back up, but what just happened 3 days ago is being buried deep inside... Whats going on? I have lost 2 little babies that I wanted so desperately. People tell me they're in a better place now, where they should be, but why couldn't they just stay here with me? Even for a little bit. I didn't even get to know them. They'll never know how much we wanted them to stay, how many conversations we had about the future.

I just barely began to have faith in this pregnancy when it was all ripped out from beneath me. And now, I may never get pregnant again. Amara might be my one and only shot. I love her so much and having her gone for this whole weekend has made things so much harder. I've been sitting here on my stupid blog and listening to other peoples stories I haven't even thought to call and talk to her, see how she's doing, or hear her say "I love you" or "miss you." Because of everything going on she doesn't even get to come home for another few days. Who even knows where "home" is right now.

Im just broken. I will go an hour or 2 and not think about it and feel guilty for being able to function. Then I cry to myself, write in my blog and move on, until the next fit of bawling decides to strike. No matter how hard you try to be cautious and guarded, to not get attached to your little baby, you do. You're the one carrying it, it's inside you, you just can't stop the bond. And then all the sudden it's gone and you rub your tummy... then remember theres nothing there anymore. It's just gone and you don't even get the chance to say good-bye.

Im going in this week to get another flower added to my wrist tattoo... It's sort of like my little way to be at peace with things. the healing wont be over, but I can feel a little more comfort knowing that my little babies are safe, wherever they are. It gives me the right to be ok, whenever I'm ready for that, though I dont think it'll be any time soon...

my doctor told me last night that the baby I lost earlier this year had an extra sex chromosome. That happens?!?! She told me that it had XXY chromosome, instead of 46 it had 47....

So apparently since I like self inflicted pain, I went and looked up XY and XX to see whats what and found out the baby would have been a boy. Actually assigning it a sex makes it so much harder. Its gut wrenching.

I feel like I can't even process this loss because Im still stuck on the other one... It all just hurts and I never in a 100 million years thought I would have to deal with this. I wont say I dont deserve it because no woman or family EVER EVER deserves to go through something like that.

I forgot to tell you earlier, but one of my good friends is due 10 days after I would have been... I JUST got through my August 17th EDD, and now I'll have to deal with another right at the beginning of April and watch my friend have her baby and me sit there with empty arms. I feel like this hasn't eve phased dylan because he wasn't really connected to this pregnancy. He wanted to make sure everything was ok first. And as long as the U/S went ok yesterday we were going to tell everyone... But obviously not anymore...

here I am

again... I just can't believe Im doing this again. Why can't we just have a great pregnancy and a healthy baby? I feel like Im never going to get to have more kids, I am just so thankful for Amara...

People keep telling me that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, but IM SOOO tired of being strong. So tired of it.

Its so hard to look down and see my little bump gone. Its almost entirely flat again...

I can't do this again. If doc werner says that this could happen again I dont know if I want to try for anymore babies... I really dont want to put myself mentally and physically through this again...

... had an ultrasound today

So I never updated after the 27th but I had a great ultrasound and saw the baby, heartbeat and location of the pregnancy. It was a good appointment, the only problem was that I as measuring about a week behind (but that happens to a lot of people).

Well I went to the specialist today for an ultrasound/NT screening and the tech wasn't able to find a heartbeat. As soon as I saw that I was only measuring 8w I knew there was something wrong. basically, just like last time, the babies heart stopped about 2 days after I went to the doctor.

I am staying at Cristi and Byrons right now because our place is tore to shit and we can't sleep there. There was a sewage line backup that we got the brunt of. The floors are tore up, the carpet is cut apart, and the drywall had to be cut out starting at the floor and going 2 feet up the wall. It's rediculas over there and we can't even sleep there because of the contamination.

I can't even cry when I think about it... I am cried out. I dont really know what to say since I've already been through all this stuff. I am heartbroken and I just can't BELIEVE this is going on again. I've already seen Doc werner and been to the hospital. My mom and dad took amara for the weekend, and Cristi spent the day with me at the hospital making sure that I wasnt alone (dylan had to stay at the condo because of the carpet cleaner guys)... It was hard to not have him there but at least having Cristi has been able to distract me and keep my mind busy. I just feel terrible right now. I took a whole Percocet in hopes that it'll help me get to sleep and sleep like a rock. I dont even care what time I end up waking up. Dylan has to work at 130.

I talked to Okie already today. He's going to add a flower to my tattoo on my wrist for free. I have a pink one there but am thinking of doing a purple or different color one... He also was really nice and took my lip ring out today so I didn't have to do it at the hospital. He gave me a big hug as soon as I walked in and said he was so sorry and we talked a little bit. It was nice to know he cares and was there to help. I am probably going in tuesday to put another little flower in my tattoo... I know that some people done understand but it's really my way of healing and processing things.

I wish I could cry. I feel like I should. I just can't right now. but every time someone asks if Im ok or how Im feeling it just makes me burst into tears. Dr. Werner said she was really sorry and that "her heart bleeds for me" and stuff. She's on vacation but I have to go see her after she gets back.

London's wedding is tomorrow but I dont know if Im going ot make it. Cristi said she'd drive me so I know I can get there, I just need to see if Im up to it. I really dont want to miss it... but we'll see what happens.

I am sure I"ll be back tomorrow. I am going to be sitting around watching TV with cristi tomorrow and will probably have plenty of time to type and talk... I just feel like it's not even really happening...

anyways. Im out. Thanks for listening...