on and on and on

spent the day with Dylan yesterday. It was good to have no agenda and not be running around like crazy. It was easier without Amara, but I miss her. Im glad Im picking her up today. It's been a long few days.

I only cried a few times yesterday, which is good... but at the same time I feel like it's going away too fast. I might not be crying but it's always there chewing at the back of my head.

The hardest part for me right now is that I'm just flat out not pregnant anymore. It's so weird. It's even more weird that it's not more weird. Even tho it was all a haze and blurred together, I accepted that I just had surgery and things are different now. The doctor told me she sent the "remains" to the lab and they're going to see what happened. If it was chromosomal in the baby but nothing wrong with me, then it might have just been a fluke. And even tho I dont really want to talk about it anymore, I want to know what my risk for next time is. It will help when we start trying again to know.

I talked to Okie yesterday. Im going in Thursday. He was busy for a few minutes and then came to talk to me and I just showed him what I wanted and where. It's not a lime anymore, just so you know. The baby's heart beat stopped at 8 weeks, so I went with the raspberry on the growth chart instead of the lime. I got a flower from the raspberry (family) plant and drew a banner. It was kind of distressed and curves back and forth with the little raspberry flower in the front. I'm getting "Necnon Vobis" on the banner in script writing. I have been trying to think of what I should put on there... Some people said to not have words, but it didn't seem right to not. Marcy said to just do a flower, but then what flower? This has to have significance... Others are saying I shouldn't even get a tattoo for what happened. Why shouldn't I? This is one of the hardest things Dylan and I have ever gone through. Its a test in life and my relationship. Its important to my life, and it deserves to be remembered. Not for the bad stuff, and the negative things. But for the good things... Like I said, eventually I will remember the good stuff like when I found out and told Dylan, teaching amara to say "baby," when we got our first ultrasound pictures. I might not have the baby to hold, but I have the memories. I have the support of my husband and my family. Its always hard for people to see, but even in a loss like this there are good things that can come from it... I suppose. At least thats what I have to convince myself of to keep going.

I have never been one to go to church, specially Catholic church... but when I was thinking about what to write on my tattoo, the only thing that really stuck with me is when they say "Peace be with you" and you reply "and also with you" ... so thats what Im getting. Because I need peace with me, and also with the baby. So rather than the whole thing, I'm getting "and also with you" in Latin. I don't speak latin, but its a good language to keep a message in a tattoo private and personal. Some people will ask, and I'll tell them if I want, but this is more for me anyways. I just want peace for myself and to be ok and heal from the situation... so "and also with you" is peace for the baby, wherever it is now. And if I ever have to experience this again, there is room for another flower or whatever I want in the same area as an add on. People might think it's morbid to "keep a tally" but thats not really what I'm doing. Im remembering and moving on. This tattoo is for healing for me.

And if nobody likes it, it's not on their body. It's on mine. You dont have to look at it or bother yourself with it. You might not understand this experience. And if you do, maybe you healed in a different way, you know?

Well I'm home alone for another 2 hours or so, I'm going to start packing... we still have a lot of stuff to go through and get rid of and I need to stay busy and distracted...

Peace