... I dont really know where to start. I haven't really had a blog before but it can be kind of hard to take the time to 'write' in a journal these days. Right now more than ever I need somewhere to vent and talk, whether other people read it or not...
In December I found out I was pregnant with our second. Amara had just had her birthday party and we were so excited! I went to the doc thinking based on my last period I was about 6 weeks along. But when I went in the first time the ultrasound showed I wasn't even 4 weeks yet. The egg hadn't even implanted yet, so I had to start this whole thing from the beginning! Totally different from when I had amara. I was already in my second trimester when I found out with her. Im not an idiot, the tests just didn't show up positive. I had really low pregnancy hormomes, thats why...
So when I went to the doc and the hormones weren't doubling like they were supposed to I was told that I might lose the pregnancy. Right before christmas... what a holiday season, right? But with no signs of miscarriage or any other problems I went in for my next appointment and was able to see and hear a heartbeat. It was tiny but it was there. The doc told me that my risk went down to about 4%, a number I could handle. I was excited that everything was going ok, but she did tell me there was a little thickness in the neck, which would generally mean chromosomal problems generally leading to down syndrom. Dylan and I talked and even if that was the result we were ok with it and ready.
Come to find out it wasn't really ever our choice... I went to the doc yesterday and the baby didn't have a heartbeat. I was laying on the table doing an internal ultrasound an she told me that for being 11 weeks the baby was underdeveloped too. She scheduled me to go in to another place for a second opinion but it was the same result.
The baby had stopped growing about 2 weeks ago, and there wasn't a trace of heartbeat. The doc who did the second opinion really didn't seem sincere when he said he was sorry and that he hated that part of his job... it sounded like "god im late for my lunch, and I have to go tell these people they're not going to have a baby" like we were an inconviencance. Thats why I dont want a male doctor when dealing with a pregnancy or womanly issues... like the guy can even PRETEND to know what a woman is going through...
Im going in again tomorrow for a follow up but Im not sure if anything is going to change. I will probably recieve the same news, and then they'll tell me we have to schedule a D&C, an invacive procedure to "get rid" of the pregnancy... my body isn't rejecting it and getting rid of everything on its own, so I guess thats our only option. I know that miscarrying at home can be a lengthy messy process, and honestly I dont know if I could do it over a span of several days. I also dont want to risk the chance of looking down and seeing what used to be my future son or daughter floating in the toilet and have to just... flush them away. I dont want to face the fact that a few days ago there was a little baby growing inside of me and now its lifeless and theres nothing I can do to help it. I can imagine it being hard to lose a baby after their born, but i feel it's just as hard losing a baby you werent even allowed to meet.
Amara keeps seeing me crying and asks if Im ok. I dont want to lie and tell her that I am, so I tell her that "no, I'm not, but someday I will be..." She just pats me on the back and says "you're fine" and continutes on... She still points to my tummy and says "baby" but I have to tell her that the baby went bye-bye and it's not there anymore. She doesn't understand, but at least she wont have to deal with the memories of losing a future sibling. She's only 2, she's a survivor...
I know Dylan hurts but he hasn't talked about him much. I saw him a little teary eyed yesterday when we were on our way to the doc office again, but he didn't mention anything. I think he just wants to be strong for me. He tells me he loves me and that he doesn't blame me, which is good to hear. I wish he could explain why this happened to me, and the number of other people I know... Honestly I didn't know how many people I know personally this has actually happened to until I put it on my facebook. I know its not something to advertise, but I dont want to see someone in a month and have them ask how the baby is, you know? my heart aches for everyone that had to share this experience, it really does.
I talked to my mom and she said she had to go through this 5 times when trying to concieve. She's strong, thats what I can say. I can hardly handle this one time, let alone 5 times... She would find out at about 5 or 6 weeks and then end up losing it about 2 days later... She warned me it's going to hurt mentally and physically, but Im not really ready for either of those things.
Im going to try and stay busy today, packing and hanging out with Shawna, but it will always be there in the back of my mind... I have to go get ready, but Im sure I will be back again later...
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