... hmm

I've been reading on thebump.com about other women that have lost babies and it doesn't really make it any easier. It makes me cry even more...

After we found out my hormone levels weren't going up in the beginning the doctor told me that I was probably going to miscarry and I didnt at that point. We saw the heartbeat, which was supposed to reduce my risk to less than 4%. I can't even imagine what was so wrong that with such a tiny little percentage of risk I still lost the baby.

I think the hardest thing for me is that the pregnancy stopped at 8 weeks and 3 days. Why didn't I start bleeding or anything? How much longer would it have been before I showed signs of miscarriage? I was so close to my second trimester and the risk is so small, only 1%. But then I wasn't even that close, because when I thought I was 11 weeks pregnant, I wasn't even that far along.

We have to wait 2-3 months to start trying again so my hormones can die down and my body can settle after the procedure that I had. I know thats the right thing to do, and I dont even really want to try right now, but it just feels like 3 months is SO far away. I know Dylan wants to try again, and he's ready as soon as I am.

I dont know... I think I'm ready as soon as we're allowed to start trying again... March or April isn't THAT far away... It just depends on how long it takes after that to actually get pregnant... sometimes it can take people months, even a year or more. I stopped birth control in like June and it took until November for us....

...

I didn't really want this blog to ONLY be about this experience, but it seems like thats all its turning into. and right now I dont really care because it's getting it all off my chest. Even if I'm saying the same thing over and over again. Oh well... We dont really have anything else going on. Dylans going to work, we're packing and moving at the end of this month.... I still have wedding dresses to finish... Pretty much the normal stuff. So I guess outside of whats going on with me personally, thats whats going on with us. It's almost valentines day and dylan asked what I wanted to do... We'll probably just go to dinner with Amara. It's going to be hard to find someone to babysit ON valentines day...

Well Paula is going to be here soon, so I'm off for now. Then I have to take Dylan some food at work then go pick up Amara...

on and on and on

spent the day with Dylan yesterday. It was good to have no agenda and not be running around like crazy. It was easier without Amara, but I miss her. Im glad Im picking her up today. It's been a long few days.

I only cried a few times yesterday, which is good... but at the same time I feel like it's going away too fast. I might not be crying but it's always there chewing at the back of my head.

The hardest part for me right now is that I'm just flat out not pregnant anymore. It's so weird. It's even more weird that it's not more weird. Even tho it was all a haze and blurred together, I accepted that I just had surgery and things are different now. The doctor told me she sent the "remains" to the lab and they're going to see what happened. If it was chromosomal in the baby but nothing wrong with me, then it might have just been a fluke. And even tho I dont really want to talk about it anymore, I want to know what my risk for next time is. It will help when we start trying again to know.

I talked to Okie yesterday. Im going in Thursday. He was busy for a few minutes and then came to talk to me and I just showed him what I wanted and where. It's not a lime anymore, just so you know. The baby's heart beat stopped at 8 weeks, so I went with the raspberry on the growth chart instead of the lime. I got a flower from the raspberry (family) plant and drew a banner. It was kind of distressed and curves back and forth with the little raspberry flower in the front. I'm getting "Necnon Vobis" on the banner in script writing. I have been trying to think of what I should put on there... Some people said to not have words, but it didn't seem right to not. Marcy said to just do a flower, but then what flower? This has to have significance... Others are saying I shouldn't even get a tattoo for what happened. Why shouldn't I? This is one of the hardest things Dylan and I have ever gone through. Its a test in life and my relationship. Its important to my life, and it deserves to be remembered. Not for the bad stuff, and the negative things. But for the good things... Like I said, eventually I will remember the good stuff like when I found out and told Dylan, teaching amara to say "baby," when we got our first ultrasound pictures. I might not have the baby to hold, but I have the memories. I have the support of my husband and my family. Its always hard for people to see, but even in a loss like this there are good things that can come from it... I suppose. At least thats what I have to convince myself of to keep going.

I have never been one to go to church, specially Catholic church... but when I was thinking about what to write on my tattoo, the only thing that really stuck with me is when they say "Peace be with you" and you reply "and also with you" ... so thats what Im getting. Because I need peace with me, and also with the baby. So rather than the whole thing, I'm getting "and also with you" in Latin. I don't speak latin, but its a good language to keep a message in a tattoo private and personal. Some people will ask, and I'll tell them if I want, but this is more for me anyways. I just want peace for myself and to be ok and heal from the situation... so "and also with you" is peace for the baby, wherever it is now. And if I ever have to experience this again, there is room for another flower or whatever I want in the same area as an add on. People might think it's morbid to "keep a tally" but thats not really what I'm doing. Im remembering and moving on. This tattoo is for healing for me.

And if nobody likes it, it's not on their body. It's on mine. You dont have to look at it or bother yourself with it. You might not understand this experience. And if you do, maybe you healed in a different way, you know?

Well I'm home alone for another 2 hours or so, I'm going to start packing... we still have a lot of stuff to go through and get rid of and I need to stay busy and distracted...

Peace

Yesterday was hard...

It was. I was scared. I didn't even really understand the surgery that I had to have done until I was there. Im grateful Paula was able to be there with me. I know Dylan would have been a great support system, but Paula was excellent as well. She said I would have done the same thing for her, and I would have. Although I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, just to be a good friend and be there for them. She's moving soon, I can be there for her and let her use my van, lol.

I got to the hospital and checked in, then was drug all over the hospital and finally put in a little room with all kinds of machines, and someone in the next room who just wanted to stay naked. Thank god we weren't sharing a room... Specially cause it was a guy. I got changed and hung out in the bed covered in the worst feeling blanket on the planet, just waiting... The nurses came in and checked on me, and the doctor came to see me. The anesthesiologist came in as well, a male. Bleh. But he was nice, even tho he flat out asked me if I had miscarried. Dr. Werner swung around and gave him this look like "you've got to be shitting me"... but it just kind of flew over my head. I said yes. It was true. It definitely wasn't voluntary for me to be there, and I made that clear.

My nurse was really nice. She felt bad coming into the room because she was 32 weeks pregnant, but I told her it was ok. It sucked, but it wasn't her fault that I was there. I talked to her and she said she understood where I was, she'd lost 2 babies before this pregnancy. It made it easier to sit there and talk with her. I think it brought up a lot of memories for her, she kind of got teary eyed talking to me about it. She talked me through my IV and was really nice about putting it in. Even numbed my hand for me. I was terrified of the IV because the one I got when I was having Amara was horrific. They gave the the meds to relax me, and for some reason I just burst out laughing. I couldn't even control it. Laughing was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn't stop... Finally I settled down and looked and Paula and said "theres nothing funny about whats gon on here" ... I guess I needed to prove to her that I was still in pain and not ok, I dont know...

After a while they wheeled me into the room where they were going to do the surgery. I saw Dr. Werner and she assured me things were going to be ok and I believed her. I really didnt understand that it was a full blown surgery when I first when in to do it. I dont know what I thought was going to happen. I remember when I got into the room the doc said I looked pale. I was scared shitless, thats why. I was starting to have a panic attack, and I was cold from the fluids they were giving me. Every time I said I was cold they would go to this heater thing and pull out a warm blanket and cover me with it. I'd probably used like 6 by the time we were done in there.

Before I went in I took my lip ring and tongue ring out. It was weird. It was really hard to get my lip ring out too, but if I hadn't they were going to have to shove a tube in my throat. And I wasnt trying to have that, so I'll be damned if I didn't get that lip ring out... So after I'd been in the room for a minute I calmed down and they put a mask over my face. She told me it was a little bit of oxygen. She lied, cause thats the last thing I remember anyone saying.

I woke up in a different room, smothered in warm blankets. But I was pissed that they'd woken me up. I could slept for hours, and thats all I wanted to do. I kept trying to go to sleep, and the lady kept trying to wake me up. If I were able to move any quicker I would have choked her to death. She was older, Im sure nobody would have minded... (demented, I know). I remember getting wheeled back into my little room, but there was a chair waiting for me instead of the bed. So... with my ass hanging out (awesome) I had to switch into the chair. I thought it wasn't going to be comfy cause it looked hard, but as soon as I got in there they put the feet out and I was sold. It's kind of weird to have you in a chair instead of laying down, but maybe it helps with... the aftermath...? I was relieved when Pam (the nurse) told me that Dylan was at the hospital. I hadn't seen him yet, but he was there somewhere. They brought me sprite and some saltine crackers. Maybe it was because I hadn't eaten in almost 12 hours, but those saltines were like... the best things ever. I even asked for more. There were grahm crackers but I didn't even touch those... After a little bit Dylan got there. he'd been waiting in the pharmacy for my meds. I guess it took almost an hour. I felt better as soon as I saw him coming around the corner, but some of the first words out of my mouth were "dont touch my saltines." ... lol. who knows. But something was going to happen if he ate my crackers, I'll tell you that.

After a while they had to check me, the IV came out and I was allowed to get dressed again... those ass-less gowns were so comfy and fashion forward, why would I want to tho, right?... wrong. I hate those things. They're drafty and regardless of how many times you check, you'll always feel like your butt is showing... I didn't get to see Dr. Werner again but I will in another week or so. I am probably going to thank her, if anything. I know this isn't what she became an OB to do, but she was really nice and it helped me a lot. I dont know if she's been where I have before, but she was a great doc, and like I said before, I'm going back to her in the future...

After I was dressed Dylan went to get the car, and they wheeled me down in a HUGE... I mean HUGE wheelchair. 2 people could have sat in it, and they told me that wasn't even the big one... how big do you need to be for the big one? But I got outside, Dylan helped me in the car and we were on our way home. We talked a little bit, but nothing too in depth... I interupted to tell him I wanted Jimmy Johns for dinner, and he stopped off and got it for me. I ate when we got home and just sort of hung out in the recliner for a while. He got me a blanket and pillow, and I crocheted for a while. I took the pills I was supposed to and felt fine, and then all the sudden I was OUT. There wasnt a chance in hell I was getting out of that chair either... until I woke up covered in drool. gross...

This morning I woke up groggy, but just couldn't sleep anymore. I've been on the computer typing for almost an hour now and my head still feels kind of fuzzy and swollen. It's 10:40 and even tho I'm hungry I dont feel like eating... and yet again the only thing that sounds good is Jimmy Johns. I've made up my mind that Im going to talk to Okie today, as long as I still feel ok later... I'm not sure if I'll be able to get the whole story out, but all he needs to know is my design, why, and where. I might not be able to get the actual tattoo done today, but ASAP would be nice. I was talking to shawna and there's a void that has to be filled after something like this happens. She got a really cute bird, Im getting a lime tattoo. I have amara, I have enough to take care of with her, another animal or something would be too much. I can handle a tattoo...

The day after

I try to keep myself busy so I dont think about everything, but it's always there in the back of my mind. I try not to cry about it, but every time I sit down to write another blog I just start bawling. Almost the whole time Im typing. It's so hard not to, but I feel so much better after I post it. I dont know how many people have read it, and Im sure this is kind of blunt, but I just can't keep it inside. It's too much information thrown at me all at once, so much is changing.

It's hard to think that when we move now I dont have to worry about what to do for a theme if we have a boy. It's hard to look at the quilt I just spent all day making, but somehow can't move from the spot by the computer. Every time I look at it I'm reminded, but there it still sits. I can't decide if I should burn it, cuddle with it, or just put it away somewhere. Am I even going to use it for our next baby? Maybe. And maybe by then I wont think about the bad. I'll be able to remember the good stuff, like when the heartbeat was healthy, and when I made the little shirt for amara that said "best big sis ever" and went to see dylan at work. Maybe sometime soon I'll be ok. But I know that "sometime soon" still isn't going to be this week, maybe not even this month. It's there somewhere... I'll find it, but I need to get there on my own.

Dylan finally cut loose. I had only asked him a few times how he was doing because I know how it makes me react. He's still had to go to work through all of this, and I know the salesmans smile on his face is fake, but he's convincing. Sometimes I almost believed that he was made of iron and it wasn't going to break him down. Then I came into the office and sat on his lap, asking how he was doing. He got really upset and said that he didn't do his job. He wasn't able to protect everyone in the family and he failed. He couldn't keep the baby safe from what was going on and it was tearing him up inside. I just stood up and hugged him and let him talk. I didn't know what else to do. It was finally his turn to vent. Now I understand where he was coming from. I know it's going to sound so terrible, but he can't protect a baby that I can't even keep alive. It's true. Think what you want, but it's true. On the same note, I'm just really going down the path helping me believe that this wasn't a healthy pregnancy. The doctor saw signs of it at my first ultrasound with the thickness of the neck. I just didn't want to believe it then. But right now, I know that my body was smart enough that little baby is in a better place right now. If the only problem would have been something like Downs syndrome, I'd be almost 12 weeks pregnant, and not an empty uteris. I just have to believe that my body was smart enough to deal with it now, rather than months down the road, or maybe right after the baby was born. It's not easier right now because of that, but I imagine it only gets harder down the road the further along you get.

I love you Dylan, and you didn't fail as the protector and leader of our family. None of us failed in any role of our situation. Believe that.

I know this isn't my fault. It's not anyones "fault" except the fault in the pregnancy. The fact that Im not blaming myself doesn't make me any more righteous than any other mother thats lost a baby, but right now, in this second I feel like it will allow me to move on ... easier, maybe? I dont really know what the right word is because it's not going to be EASY, by any means. But I dont have to hate myself, then hate the doctor, then hate this and that, then convince myself that it was just supposed to be that way. Im there right now. Along with many others who've felt this. I dont want to hurt anymore, but I dont want to just be "ok" with it either. I just... need to be. Sometimes it feels weird that Im not crying about it like the first 2 days, even tho Im hurting. Everytime I think about anything right now it reminds me, but it seems like it's harder for the tears to come. I am not ready for that yet.

I dont know... I can't really focus on any one topic right now. It's all confusing and hurtful... Tomorrow I'm going to go to my parents and pick up my little girl, appreciating her more, loving her more. She wont replace another baby, but she's going to help distract me and heal me.

I'll admit that yesterday when we went for a follow-up there was a twinge of hope that we'd find a heartbeat and everything would be ok. But I was prepared for the result that was actually true. I just can't live my life on false hopes, being let down all the time. It's too hard on me, and as pessimistic as it sounds, I would rather be prepared for the worst situation possible. The blow is less, and when things turn out better, it makes it even better.... If that makes sense. Im not negative or pessimistic for thinking that way. Im realistic. As much as it's going to kill Dylan to read this (if he does) I dont blame god for taking the baby, because I dont believe thats what happened. I dont even know if I believe in god. And dont blame me or hate on me for that. I wasn't raised in a house where he was present and supposed to be "feared" and all that. But even if that were the case, and god willed me to be pregnant... he should have known that it wasn't going to be healthy in the first place. *shakes head* I never understood that. He didn't point his finger at me and say "make a baby"... I ovulated, had sex and got pregnant. He didn't "allow" anything, I had an egg, dylan had some sperm... it just is what it is. I dont know. Incase you can't tell I'm more of an evoloution kind of person that a god fearing kind of person. If that offends you, I can't believe you made it this far into my blog.

This will probably be the only mention of god for a while. I just dont believe that he had a hand in my situation, my life, any of it. I dont. I can't explain why, so dont ask.

... All done

Exactly. It's all done. And Im disgustingly at peace with it for the current time being. I dont know whats wrong with me, but I know Im still on a lot of meds from the hospital. Its only been a few hours, Im not ready to not feel pain from this. How can I just brush it off so easily?

That being said, Im sure my next post will be coming from a totally different emotion, and who knows what it's going to be...

Im not ok... at all. You might look at me and see me smile, telling a joke or holding a normal conversation, but underneath there is still a lot of pain... I play and smile at Amara and ask her for hugs, but as soon as she turns away that joy is gone. Its all just a fake. Im faking myself and everyone around me.

I got home from the hospital about an hour ago with Dylan... The baby is gone and I miss it. I miss everything about it. I didn't get to see its little body one last time in the ultrasound, or hear it's heartbeat again. It's hard. How could I have not known that there was something going on? Why didn't my body let me know what everything was wrong? why why why? there will always be a why. What comes before it and after it will always change, but why will always be the same.... why?

I dont even really ask why me. I dont ask what I did wrong. I believe people when they tell me that it isn't my fault. I feel to blame for not knowing better, but I felt fine. I felt ok physically until they were there to do the surgery. I was scared. I got into the room and almost had an anxiety attack. I was going to get up and leave, but I just laid there, blood pressure rising, scared. Paula couldn't go in there, Dylan wasn't at the hospital yet. I was alone. I do really appreciate my doc tho. Even tho she's pregnant and that was kind of hard for me, I got over it. She's a great person and I will deffinately be going back to her again... My nurse was pregnant too. She said she was sorry for coming into the room. She didn't realise I'd miscarried until she was already in there. I didn't even notice she was showing until she stood up. I told her I was ok with it and not to worry... She told me she'd been in the same place I was twice before. I told her congrats on the baby and I would cross my fingers for a quick and easy labor...

It's been a day. One day that I hope to never repeat... ever again. My heart aches, but theres nothing I can do but let more time pass. As long as I feel up to it Im going to go talk to Okie about my lime... If not tomorrow, then Tuesday when he's there again. Its just one of those things that I have to do.

Im tired. Im going to bed. I'll be back tomorrow.

Same news

... so I just got home from the doctors office. I recieved the same news about the baby and nothing positive to report. I am waiting for my mom to come pick up Amara for a few days so I can recover from what has to be done today. I dont seem to be getting "rid" of anything on my own so they're going to take care of it for me. I dont know how I'm going to feel after but I know it's going to be hard. I am going to be lonely with Amara at my moms and Dylan going to work, but thats the only option there is. I ... dont really know what else to say. I can't even really cry any more. It just hurts so much.

Mom just drove away with Amara. I could tell Amara didn't want to leave me, she usually doesn't get upset when she's leaving. I pointed to my tummy and told her to say "bye" to the baby and she waved and said "buh-bye" and blew a kiss. She doesn't know whats going on, but I thought she should say good bye at least. Just because she's 2 doesn't mean she's clueless. She cried and I didn't want her to leave but I know it's going to be easier taking care of myself that way. I'll just have to find something to distract myself after I get home...

I guess Im going to be on an IV drip so I wont remember anything. I'll be awake and talking, but not going to remember anything. Thats good. And sad at the same time. I dont really want to remember, but I dont want it to be a blur either. I dont know... Dylan has to work so I dont think he can make it up to Bellevue to see me until everything is done. Paula is on her way over here now, she's going to drive me up there. I dont know if she's going to hang out or not, but I wouldn't expect her to sit in the lobby for 4 hours... It's up to her. It seems kind of lonely to know that nobody is going to be sitting in the lobby waiting for me. I wont have a baby inside, I wont have a baby at home...

Nice...

Back again...

hey, me again... obviously. Just took a nap while amara was laying down and kind of feel like ass now. I went to the mall with Shawna to get out of the house for a while, and it was a good distraction but we still ended up talking about baby stuff. She went through something similar at 6 weeks so we were talking about it on and off.

Now Im home again forcing myself to eat. I haven't had an appetite all day, and feel like it isn't going to come back any time soon.

I just keep thinking about tomorrow, preparing for the worst. It will make the blow easier than hoping for a miracle and wishing there is a heartbeat. It's all going to be hard. I am so scared of the D&C. Im even more scared that there is a lifeless little baby inside me. How many more times will this happen? Im so drained emotionally I dont even want to think about that. I've cried my eyes dry. Litterally, they're all scratchy and dry.

I know that other people have gone through this, and will go through it, but it doesn't make my situation easier. It doesn't make anyones easier. I read on thebump.com that one girl lost twins at 18 weeks, and another girl lost her baby at 22 weeks... only 3 more weeks and they'd have been able to keep him on life support, but his lungs weren't developed. I never really understood a miscarriage or loss until now, and even going through it I still dont. I just dont get it. Even if this baby had had medical problems, why couldn't it be OUR choice on what to do? Our decision would have been the total opposite of what is happening to us, too. I just keep trying to tell myself that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and this baby just wasn't supposed to make it to the world. But that doesn't make it any easier on me. Or Dylan. This was supposed to be a boy... and now its not going to be anything. How can I be so stuffed with vital organs and stuff to keep me alive and feel so empty?

I told my little sister what was going on and she asked if I was ok. I told her "not right now, and not tomorrow, but in a long time I will be." and its true. I know I'll survive and get pregnant and make other babies. But thats not whats happening right now. Im broken inside and Im so confused. any time someone tells me I'll be ok, or offers their support, or tells me they've been through something similar it just makes me cry.

Anyone that really knows me knows that I've been though a lot in life. Just since Dylan and I got married. Financial times, cars broken into and stolen, moving all the time... after I while I just shut it out and go with the flow. After a while I know that something is going to go wrong if everything has been easy for a while. Its easier to just roll with it, than to break down and freak out every time there isn't enough money in the account, or a bill can't be paid. Even with Amara. we were so excited but it was just another thing to learn to deal with. I wasn't shocked. I wasn't on birth control, how could I be? But this... I didn't ever ever think we would have to deal with this. Im only 23, who really plans to be ready for a miscarriage?

I dont want this wound to be so fresh, but I dont really want to forget it over time either. It's not only the situation itself, but it's Dylan and I becoming closer and dealing with this in our relationship, it's appreciating Amara more and more every day, and it's growing and healing and moving on. But unless something miraculous happens at my appointment tomorrow, I am going to go talk to Okie on Saturday about getting some ink done. I know it might be too soon, and may not be the best idea. But I get tattoos that mean something, and that are important in my life. my star for missy and me, my daughters foot print...

I was looking at a growth chart on thebump.com and it compared the size of baby to different foods so you could get an idea of how big the fetus was each week. This week, being 11 weeks, the baby should have been the size of a Lime. I know it's not the most exciting thing, but it's completely stuck in my head now, so I think thats what Im going to have done. I haven't been able to think of anything better, and a 2" long fetus is too morbid and nasty. I think a lime with some script writing on a banner, or above it will be perfect. I have a great space on my left wrist, and although it will show a lot, I think it will be a good part of healing for me. Blair mentioned that I might miscarry other times, but Im trying to focus on this experience. This is my first, this has been the hardest thing to deal with, probably in my life. And I want to remember. If it happens again then I'll go from there, but this, right now is what Im thinking about.

A lime might be weird but I feel like I will be able to look at it fondly and remember the good times, like when I first found out we were going to have another baby, when I saw it on the ultrasound the first time, and when I heard the tiny little heartbeat and saw it on the monitor... Even tho this baby will be gone soon, there are good times that come in a short pregnancy. I know they're far and few between because of all the problems, but there is good stuff to remember too. And THAT is what I need to worry about to move on...

Just need to vent...

... I dont really know where to start. I haven't really had a blog before but it can be kind of hard to take the time to 'write' in a journal these days. Right now more than ever I need somewhere to vent and talk, whether other people read it or not...

In December I found out I was pregnant with our second. Amara had just had her birthday party and we were so excited! I went to the doc thinking based on my last period I was about 6 weeks along. But when I went in the first time the ultrasound showed I wasn't even 4 weeks yet. The egg hadn't even implanted yet, so I had to start this whole thing from the beginning! Totally different from when I had amara. I was already in my second trimester when I found out with her. Im not an idiot, the tests just didn't show up positive. I had really low pregnancy hormomes, thats why...

So when I went to the doc and the hormones weren't doubling like they were supposed to I was told that I might lose the pregnancy. Right before christmas... what a holiday season, right? But with no signs of miscarriage or any other problems I went in for my next appointment and was able to see and hear a heartbeat. It was tiny but it was there. The doc told me that my risk went down to about 4%, a number I could handle. I was excited that everything was going ok, but she did tell me there was a little thickness in the neck, which would generally mean chromosomal problems generally leading to down syndrom. Dylan and I talked and even if that was the result we were ok with it and ready.

Come to find out it wasn't really ever our choice... I went to the doc yesterday and the baby didn't have a heartbeat. I was laying on the table doing an internal ultrasound an she told me that for being 11 weeks the baby was underdeveloped too. She scheduled me to go in to another place for a second opinion but it was the same result.

The baby had stopped growing about 2 weeks ago, and there wasn't a trace of heartbeat. The doc who did the second opinion really didn't seem sincere when he said he was sorry and that he hated that part of his job... it sounded like "god im late for my lunch, and I have to go tell these people they're not going to have a baby" like we were an inconviencance. Thats why I dont want a male doctor when dealing with a pregnancy or womanly issues... like the guy can even PRETEND to know what a woman is going through...

Im going in again tomorrow for a follow up but Im not sure if anything is going to change. I will probably recieve the same news, and then they'll tell me we have to schedule a D&C, an invacive procedure to "get rid" of the pregnancy... my body isn't rejecting it and getting rid of everything on its own, so I guess thats our only option. I know that miscarrying at home can be a lengthy messy process, and honestly I dont know if I could do it over a span of several days. I also dont want to risk the chance of looking down and seeing what used to be my future son or daughter floating in the toilet and have to just... flush them away. I dont want to face the fact that a few days ago there was a little baby growing inside of me and now its lifeless and theres nothing I can do to help it. I can imagine it being hard to lose a baby after their born, but i feel it's just as hard losing a baby you werent even allowed to meet.

Amara keeps seeing me crying and asks if Im ok. I dont want to lie and tell her that I am, so I tell her that "no, I'm not, but someday I will be..." She just pats me on the back and says "you're fine" and continutes on... She still points to my tummy and says "baby" but I have to tell her that the baby went bye-bye and it's not there anymore. She doesn't understand, but at least she wont have to deal with the memories of losing a future sibling. She's only 2, she's a survivor...

I know Dylan hurts but he hasn't talked about him much. I saw him a little teary eyed yesterday when we were on our way to the doc office again, but he didn't mention anything. I think he just wants to be strong for me. He tells me he loves me and that he doesn't blame me, which is good to hear. I wish he could explain why this happened to me, and the number of other people I know... Honestly I didn't know how many people I know personally this has actually happened to until I put it on my facebook. I know its not something to advertise, but I dont want to see someone in a month and have them ask how the baby is, you know? my heart aches for everyone that had to share this experience, it really does.

I talked to my mom and she said she had to go through this 5 times when trying to concieve. She's strong, thats what I can say. I can hardly handle this one time, let alone 5 times... She would find out at about 5 or 6 weeks and then end up losing it about 2 days later... She warned me it's going to hurt mentally and physically, but Im not really ready for either of those things.

Im going to try and stay busy today, packing and hanging out with Shawna, but it will always be there in the back of my mind... I have to go get ready, but Im sure I will be back again later...