A shattered dream...

This book I've been looking at had one part in it that really stuck with me. It said:

"Attachment is the emotional bond of preparing and caring for your baby. Only you know how much this pregnancy meant, how many plans and dreams you had for your baby and family.

"Did you think of this as a baby, rather than just a pregnancy? Did you have the nursery planned or prepared? If you had plans, dreams, and hopes for this baby it makes sense that you may feel very sad and dissapointed for what can no longer be at this time."

This was so much more than a pregnancy to me. It was a little 2" long baby, just as important as a full size one you could hold in your arms. It had little fingers, toes even eyelids. It was our future hopes and dreams coming true, Amara becoming a big sister, and a new flood of hospital bills (which I recieved one of today, for $600!!). All of the dirty diapers, late bills and medical costs were woth it to have a new little addition to the family.

Already starting to show, Dylan would rub my belly, talk about different names he liked, and planning trips we would take when the "kids" were older.

I may have only been eleven weeks when this happened, and babies heart might have stopped at eight weeks, but I had a full two months to bond and attach myself to this whole situation. Shorter than nine, but still significant in my life. Two months of talking about it, doctor visits, even teaching amara where baby was so she could tell everyone. Two months may be a ashort time to some, but you attach yourself quickly when you have that little life inside you. Especially when you WANT that life growing there.

I attach myself to people and ideas very quickly. Staying disconnected from a pregnancy wouldn't have even been possible for me.

It's still really hard to think that in less than a weekend I went from pregnant, to miscarriage, to empty... not even a trace of pregnancy left. I mean yeah there are plenty of occasions when you go from pregnant to not, but you get a little bundle of joy to hold in your arms instead of a book called "Miscarriage: A Shattered Dream."

So to answer my books question, I was very very attached to this baby, and it still causes gut wrenching heart ache to think it's over. Yes, I will go on to get pregnant again and have other babies, hopefully in the near future, but in the back of my mind, in that dark little corner, doubt will be hiding, just waiting to spring out and catch me off guard again... I'll be waiting for you, you sneaky little bastard.

I can say I appreciate my daughter more, temper fits, terrible 2's and all. Sometimes it's because deep down inside I truly fear that she may be my one and only child... I wont know that until it actually happens, but I thank my lucky stars for her. I'm not biased because she's mine, she just really is the best and coolest kid ever. She might not skate board (yet) or play piano (well) but she's mine...

Today it's been a week since I found out there wasn't a heart beat... Yesterday was the first time I've not in a week. I gave up on makeup and getting my nose to not be stuffy. I talked to my cousin about some of what went on and didn't cry, even tho I wanted to.It was nice and scary at the same time. I'm not ready to not cry when I think about what happened.

I've been trying to put my finger on the right emotion, and I think it's surreal. The farther away I get from last wednesday the more surreal it feels. Now that everything is gone and my baby bump shrunk down, it's almost like I was never pregnant a second time to begin with... Thats a weird thought and feeling, for sure.

I am so full of feelings and emotions right now. I wish I had been more in-tuned with what was going on in my belly before. How could I be supporting a life, have it completely stop, and not know anything for THREE WEEKS? And then It wasn't even me finding out, it was an ultrasound... I think more than anything I have guilt for that whole situation. It wont change anything and it wont bring the baby back, but I wouldn't feel like such an ass right now.

I dont know there's still a lot of emotion in me right now, and its probably best if I just feel theminstead of trying to sort them... That can come later...