feature from offbeatmama.com

Here is the feature that I wrote for offbeatmama.com finally!! It went live on Thursday but this is the first chance i've had to post the link for it... so here you go!

http://www.offbeatmama.com/2010/02/second-pregnancy-miscarriage

Valentines Day

It's been a week since I last posted. For the most part I've been busy helping Paula paint at her house, and then yesterday we got our keys for the new place. We weren't going to paint there but then at the last minute, at about 1030 on friday night we decided we were going to change the living room and bedroom.

I've been making trips to the new place with stuff here and there but nothing major. We're hiring movers and I want to get my moneys' worth! I've been painting like crazy tho... And we went to Mor furtnature and picked out a new bedframe and dresser. Our bed has been on the FLOOR for a year now, so it was about time to upgrade. Our couch was delivered today, Im excited about that. I think my friend tara is going to take our dressers and couch/love seat when we're ready to sell it. After the couch in the living room there isn't a lot of room anymore.

Other than that Im going to the doctor again on the 22nd for another check-up. Something called a colposcopy... I feel like a retard saying that, let alone typing it. I guess when I was pregnant my PAP came back abnormal and it said that I had HPV... awesome. exactly what I needed. So I have to go get that taken care of and see if it was just because I was pregnant (I guess it comes back positive sometimes) or if I really have whats going to turn into cervical cancer. AND, in the same visit the anesthesiologist told me that I have a heart murmor. Even better. And I've been having heart palpitations more and more often, which means I need to go see a specialist. Great day to be christine, right!?

Well at least Im going to the hockey game with my dad finally!!! I bought him tickets for Christmas for just me and him and the game is finally tomorrow. They're sucking ass right now, and have lost like 11 games in a row, but it's still going to be fun! And its nice that the stadium is right down the street so I dont have to drive hella far after. Im going to take my camera, so I'll be sure to post pictures afterwords.

OK... well im out of here for now. I just wanted to update really quick since I haven't been on for a while. It was weird going a week without posting, specially when I was doing 2 posts a day sometimes!

Another baby shower...

I didn't actually go to one, but I just saw pictures of Courtney that used to work at my school... She's having a boy. Congrats to her!

It seems like now that I've miscarried all of these pregnant women are coming out of the wood work... the universe is taunting me, saying "look what they got and you didn't."

Im in a lame gloomy and pissy mood now. I'm not anxious so I can't take one of those pills, but I wish I had something to make me feel better. I want to cry, but it just wont come out. Today is one of those jealous "hater" days. My friend Tara was over today, I picked her up from the car rental place and she had her 6 month old son Gabriel with her. I held him and played with him but it was like being stabbed in the heart at the same time. But it's good for me.

I only have 2 months until we can start trying again. And in all honesty I am going to start trying and just let it happen. I dont want to take test after test and find out as early as I did this time. I would LOVE to already be 12-13 weeks when I find out like I did with Amara. Then the risk is gone, I'm already in my 2nd trimester and the pregnancy will be shorter. Hehe. Women are allowed to be selfish like that.

Well I'm glad I stopped by... again. I guess I feel a little better, I just wanted to vent for a minute.

baby shower

Yesterday I went to a baby shower... I know, what was I thinking? Well, I was trying to focus on the turkey crissaunt (how the hell do you spell that?!) sandwich and my starbucks drink, but the sandwich was eaten way too quickly, and someone dumped out my green tea frappachino half way through. Yeah, I could have punched her in the face...

For the most part I did ok, it was fun to watch Kristen open all of her presents, and I made sure to get lots of pictures of everything. It was probably the hardest for me when I found out that three other girls were there, and of course everyone is all "congrats" and bla bla bla about the babies... Everyone that knew what happened said they were really sorry, and excited for Dylan and I to start trying again which was nice to hear. Some people just say their sorry and dont care after that.

But anyways... I am so excited for Kristen and her baby is going to be so cute. And if the baby isn't then all of her clothes and stuff will be, lol! Just kidding if you're reading this Kristen :D

It's been almost 2 weeks since I found out what was going on. Im doing ok for right now. I haven't cried yet today and I was able to talk about it a little bit earlier. *sigh* I dunno... like always. I think I've said that in just about every blog I've posted...

Tattoo

Today I got my new tattoo... I love it, and I appreciate all of Okie's hard work. He's be best dude ever and I'll follow him anywhere to get work done. He knew how important this tattoo was to me, apoligized for what happened with the baby and made sure everything was exactly what I wanted.

For those that didn't see, Dylan actually got a matching tattoo with me! I know, I was SHOCKED. He told me he had a surprise that we were going to go do today before my appointment... He kept trying to throw me off track but I was honestly crossing my fingers the whole time that this is what he was going to do. So we got to the shop and okie showed me a HUGE banner, but the words were different. I'd changed what I was originally going to get because the words were wrong, but this wasn't either of the things I told him. Dylan smiled and said "that one's mine"... Aww... he got the same banner as me, colored the same but his phrase was different. His represented a few different things for him, but I was so excited he got more work done. He always talks about getting another tattoo but it never happens for him. And I wasn't supposed to get any "new" tattoos until my back was finished, but this is something I had to do, and it couldn't wait until my back was done...

So on my left wrist, I forever have the baby that I lost. Even now I can look at the tattoo and think of good things, even tho the overall experience is still hard to think about. But for once Im not blogging to be sad. I'm really happy today went well, and would like to go to bed on a positive note...

Also, my friend Shrie asked me to do a piece for offbeatmama.com so look for that on here (and i'll be sure to post the link after it gets online). I'm really glad she asked me to do it. I was bawling the whole time I was writing it, but it feels good to share my story. I have looked on sites for other women talking about it and theres not a lot out there. I think it's so hard for people to stomach they just dont want to share their stories... well NOT ME! lol...

anyways... I'm out of here. Short blog I know, but I'll be back tomorrow. I'm going to a baby shower, and while I adore Kristen (the mommy to be), it's going to be a long hard day...

Today...

Right now, actually most of today, I've been feeling pretty good. More "cheery" I guess, than I have been for a while now. I haven't burried my pain and I'm not over my personal situation by any means, but at least I'm moving on... surrounding myself with friends and staying busy.

I think yesterday was sort of closure for me, to some extent? I went and saw Dr. Werner for a follow up to my surgery last Friday. We talked, I updated her on whats been going on, my blog, and Dylan and I being ready to try when the time was right (and ok). I told her that when I was pregnant again that I would for sure being coming back to see her, and she said she really hoped I did.

I dont know who saw pictures of it, but right before I found out about the baby I made a blanket... it was a really cute quilt with a super soft backing on it. I used green, white and brown for the colors since it would easily tie in with a girl or boy (once we found out.) Until yesterday this blanket sat next to the computer on my desk, un-touched. I hated the sight of it, and every time I saw it, I was reminded of what happened.

Well I took it with me to my appointment yesterday, and I gave it to Dr. Werner... She is currently pregnant, due in April, and they're not finding out whether its a boy or girl. I wanted to thank her in some way for all of her support and really being there for me through this experience. She thanked me and said she would put it in the nursery and use it once the baby was born. She really liked it and was excited to find out that I'd personally made it.

It was too weird to tell her that I'd made it for MY baby... and I didn't want to ruin the present for her. I know the blanket is in a good place where it will be used and appreciated... Me getting rid of the blanket felt like the right thing to do, even if I had to withhold some information about it.

It might just be a blanket I made, but I feel like that helped me. I trusted my doctor to take it and keep it in a safe place... Kind of like how I trusted her to take the baby and put it in a safe place. Maybe not mentally, but at least put my mind at ease. I dont know, when I try to type out what I'm talking about, it sound stupid. But I know even if that blanket was made for my baby, it's in the right place now. My doctor is incredible and I know that if she could change any of this for me in a split second she would. I'm sure a lot of people would, but it's nice to be so cared about even after knowing her and seeing her a short number of times.

I cried today, and yesterday, and the day before... and every single day before that since Wednesday... but slowly it gets a tiny bit easier to think and talk about... Today I've only cried once, and even if it messes up the makeup every time, it still feels good to cry about it.

so now... I'm going to go finish my PB&J, get Amara dressed and go see Dylan at the mall. Then I'm going to go hang out with Paula tonight and watch Project Runway... Tomorrow I will wake up and start a new day all over again, but I will also be getting at tattoo to remember my little 2" long baby, my experience, and becoming closer with Dylan and Amara. There are some really good memories and things that come out of something like this, even if they're really hard to see at first... you just have to clean off the fog in the mirror and look really, really deep down inside...

"Women"

"Women"

A Prayer for Baby

Never to have known you, but to have loved you,

Never to have held you, the way mothers do.

With you I bury my hopes and dreams

For an unknown child I'd never seen.

But also I bury the love in my heart,

And the sadness of knowing that we must part.

And I pray to God to do for you

All the things I would like to do.

And to keep my baby safe from harm

To laugh and frolic in springtime's arms.

Anonymous

A shattered dream...

This book I've been looking at had one part in it that really stuck with me. It said:

"Attachment is the emotional bond of preparing and caring for your baby. Only you know how much this pregnancy meant, how many plans and dreams you had for your baby and family.

"Did you think of this as a baby, rather than just a pregnancy? Did you have the nursery planned or prepared? If you had plans, dreams, and hopes for this baby it makes sense that you may feel very sad and dissapointed for what can no longer be at this time."

This was so much more than a pregnancy to me. It was a little 2" long baby, just as important as a full size one you could hold in your arms. It had little fingers, toes even eyelids. It was our future hopes and dreams coming true, Amara becoming a big sister, and a new flood of hospital bills (which I recieved one of today, for $600!!). All of the dirty diapers, late bills and medical costs were woth it to have a new little addition to the family.

Already starting to show, Dylan would rub my belly, talk about different names he liked, and planning trips we would take when the "kids" were older.

I may have only been eleven weeks when this happened, and babies heart might have stopped at eight weeks, but I had a full two months to bond and attach myself to this whole situation. Shorter than nine, but still significant in my life. Two months of talking about it, doctor visits, even teaching amara where baby was so she could tell everyone. Two months may be a ashort time to some, but you attach yourself quickly when you have that little life inside you. Especially when you WANT that life growing there.

I attach myself to people and ideas very quickly. Staying disconnected from a pregnancy wouldn't have even been possible for me.

It's still really hard to think that in less than a weekend I went from pregnant, to miscarriage, to empty... not even a trace of pregnancy left. I mean yeah there are plenty of occasions when you go from pregnant to not, but you get a little bundle of joy to hold in your arms instead of a book called "Miscarriage: A Shattered Dream."

So to answer my books question, I was very very attached to this baby, and it still causes gut wrenching heart ache to think it's over. Yes, I will go on to get pregnant again and have other babies, hopefully in the near future, but in the back of my mind, in that dark little corner, doubt will be hiding, just waiting to spring out and catch me off guard again... I'll be waiting for you, you sneaky little bastard.

I can say I appreciate my daughter more, temper fits, terrible 2's and all. Sometimes it's because deep down inside I truly fear that she may be my one and only child... I wont know that until it actually happens, but I thank my lucky stars for her. I'm not biased because she's mine, she just really is the best and coolest kid ever. She might not skate board (yet) or play piano (well) but she's mine...

Today it's been a week since I found out there wasn't a heart beat... Yesterday was the first time I've not in a week. I gave up on makeup and getting my nose to not be stuffy. I talked to my cousin about some of what went on and didn't cry, even tho I wanted to.It was nice and scary at the same time. I'm not ready to not cry when I think about what happened.

I've been trying to put my finger on the right emotion, and I think it's surreal. The farther away I get from last wednesday the more surreal it feels. Now that everything is gone and my baby bump shrunk down, it's almost like I was never pregnant a second time to begin with... Thats a weird thought and feeling, for sure.

I am so full of feelings and emotions right now. I wish I had been more in-tuned with what was going on in my belly before. How could I be supporting a life, have it completely stop, and not know anything for THREE WEEKS? And then It wasn't even me finding out, it was an ultrasound... I think more than anything I have guilt for that whole situation. It wont change anything and it wont bring the baby back, but I wouldn't feel like such an ass right now.

I dont know there's still a lot of emotion in me right now, and its probably best if I just feel theminstead of trying to sort them... That can come later...

*sigh*

Not really a lot to say today. Im kind of blogged out... fear not, I will not abandon tho. I am just trying to stay busy and keep my mind off stuff. I keep coming across stuff that takes my mind back to everything that happens... the ugly hospital socks dylan wanted, the meds I have to take every few hours... The book called "a shattered dream" they gave me... I know, real nice huh? As if I dont know already, thanks for the reminder. Asses.

... Just called to schedule my follow up and the receptionist asked if the appointment was for a procedure or if I was pregnant... I told her it was for a procedure I had done on Friday, and she asked what type. I know she has to, but damn woman, mind your own business! ... I started to tell her that I had to have a D&C done and started crying to her on the phone... I finally got my appt scheduled, but it's like every time those words have to come out of my mouth I can't help it. I just want to hang my head and cry.

I just managed to blow a snot bubble... Im supposed to be upset and crying, and I blew a snot bubble. Thats real sexy.