Amara's birthday tomorrow...

Its Amara's birthday tomorrow! I am really excited, and luckily that plays off really well in text, cause as im writing this Im actually crying my eyes out... It IS her birthday tomorrow, and it's going to be fun. But it's hard to think that I might not have any other kids birthdays to celebrate. I know, I know. I babbel about this alot, but when it hits me it hits me hard. I just found out yet another friend was pregnant with a happy healthy pregnancy, and here I sit... In my "situation" yet again. For the 3rd time this year. The worst thing is that I dont know when it's going to get better. I can't just avoid people and tell them they suck because they're having a baby. I mean, I -CAN- but it's not really that appropriate.

It just hurts, and I dont understand. And when I dont understand, I try and disect it until I've exhausted myself...

Im going in to see Dr. Werner again in a few weeks to get an IUD... the 5 year birth control. I really feel in my heart right now that I WONT be trying for any more kids. I just can't imagine gearing myself up for getting pregnant after so much time, and then having the same thing happen. I just dont want to put my mind or body thru that. Not now or in the future, regardless of how far away that is. Adopting is always an option but it's not JUST about the baby. it's about me being pregnant and having that whole experience again. I had a GREAT time with amara and really wanted to do it again... Well, do it again and make it all the way to the 40 week finish line. Maybe it's not in the cards for me right now, but even if it is in the future, I dont know if I'll be ready. It's like... deciding to cut my own finger off. There's a lot of thought that has to go into that, ya know? You can't just wack it off and not worry about the consicuences and stuff of the aftermath.

Please... dont read this and suggest "waiting it out" or adopting, or surrogocy or any of that... I know what my options are. And I jsut want to sit here typing, being angry, and piss and moan for a little bit. Trust me, I've had a lot of time to think things over.

*shakes head* ... Anyways. Tomorrow Im going to get hit the store and maybe make amara some cupcakes or a small cake... I have to decide which of her christmas presents to give her (since I forgot to save a birthday present for tomorrow)... And Grandpa Ramsey is coming over for dinner. We're having lasagna, should be a good time. So... wish me luck. In everything.

a little light at the end of the tunnel...

Well my hubby got me an awesome phone and as it turns out I can write in my blog... A nice bonus if I want to have a mental breakdown on the run... Yay.

Life moves so fast....

Last time I checked in, I was worried about which doctor to go to, insurance, and whether we were going to have room for another kid... I am GALAXIES away from that now. Now I face the loss of another baby, whether Im strong enough to keep my head above water, and whether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future. Like I said, Im in a totally different place.

I went in for the proof of pregnacy at the Public Health office and had to get this "internal exam" done. It was to help the nurse see how far along I was, since I didn't have a period to go from. After that I started spotting a TINY bit which was normal, so I tried to ignore it. The next day it was still there and getting a little bit worse. I panicked and went to the ER at Overlake with Amara. After a blood draw, invasive ultrasound and sitting in the ER for a total of 5 hours, I was told the news I already knew deep down inside. After knowing a few short weeks of this pregnancy, it was taken away. They said that it might just be implantation bleeding, but I knew it was over already. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

And now what has been weighing on my mind more than anything is whether I will ever get to a full term pregnancy again. I know there are plenty of options as far as us having more kids, but -I- want to be pregnant. I had an excellent experience with Amara and dont feel like I'll ever have another chance. I would rather be totally infertile after Amara, then have the ability to EASILY get pregnant, and not make it past 8 weeks. It makes me sick to think about it all.

I feel like Im turning into a withdrawn person, spending time in my room alone a lot, not sitting with or playing with Amara like I used to... I try to get out of the house and talk about the things spinning a wicked web in my head, but sometimes it's just so hard. I miss the babies I never got to meet. I miss the feeling of being pregnant. One loss can really change a person, but 3... Its so hard to deal when they're so close together. It's like Im healing from them as a whole unit and trying to move on, but not dealing with the individual experience I had. I JUST had a miscarriage in September, and here I am again, already gone through another in November. Disgusting.

Anyways... There's a lot more to tell but just thinking/crying over this entry is making my neck and chest hurt. I'll be back later.

Public Health Yesterday...

So I went to public health yesterday to get my test done for proof of pregnancy, everything went ok. I had to have an internal exam to figure out how far along I am, which has made it a little pink if I pee, but I dont have any cramping so Im hoping I'm fine. She dated me between 6-8 weeks, after making me feel like a jackass for not taking a pregnancy test before starting birth control... First of all, I didn't have a period until after 6 weeks with my first loss, so having it happen a second time wasn't that weird. so STOP making me look like an idiot.

Then I called group health to make my appointment there and had to go into the group health lab and take a pee test. They wouldn't just take the other proof of pregnancy that I had. The tech asked if I wanted to wait for the results but I just said "this is my 4th test, Im pretty sure it's going to be positive!" LOL... so doing that test started my chart with group health, and Thursday I go in and meet with the nurse for an hour to get everything started. Hopefully soon after that I will be able to get in and see Peggy.

I called Dr. Werner yesterday and left a message telling them it was personal stuff that she said I could call about if I wanted to talk, and I haven't heard anything back from her yet. I called about 10am yesterday morning... If she doesn't call me back after this message Im kind of deflated and going to give up on even getting in contact with her until that balace is paid off with the office. Which sucks, but at the same time, I totally get it... I owe her money. Thats basically all there is to it right now

Anyways. I need to get my ass in gear, decide if Im getting coffee, and hit the grocery store. It's time to start getting stuff together for amaras birthday so it's not all last minute and stuff. I'll be back soon Im sure.

Update... sorta

So at this point... I've decided to go to Public Health and get my proof of pregnancy and DSHS taken care of. For now I think I am going to start seeing peggy again, and then as soon as we can pay off Dr. Werner I will go back to seeing her. I just have a lot of stuff going on in my head about it still... But taking advantage of the DSHS is the best idea for me to be doing, specially because I have to have a double root canal done. It's not safe with the baby to not have it taken care of.

So Tomorrow I am going to call Dr. Werner and let her know where Im at, how I really want to come back and see her but it's just not financially possible right now, and that I also dont want to continue to see her when I can't pay for the bills I owe her yet, let alone down the road... I hope she understands... It'd be nice if she could allow me to set up a payment plan, but I already understand if she doesn't want to do that. We tried that like 6 months ago, after she wiped off 50% of the medical bill I had with her, and I still couldn't do more than a $50 payment...

The more I think about going to Peggy and using DSHS the more responsible I feel about the entire situation... So I will just talk with Dr. Werner, and if Im not able to go back to see her then I'd like to be able to at least keep in contact with her, maybe get lunch or something once in a while. She's a great doctor and an excellent person. I appreciate all the help she has given me and REALLY dont want to stop seeing her, but it's also not putting me in a good place with her to continue going back when I can't pay...

So. There we go. Cristi is going with me so she can help with Amara if I need it... The nice thing is I can do the proof of pregnancy, WIC and DSHS all in the same place. Hopefully I wont have to wait in line forever... I hate sitting in those offices.

Oh yeah. And according to the gender chart on thebump.com I'm going to have a boy. The first loss was for sure a boy, and Im not sure about the second, but According to the chart it also would have been a boy. Thank god I had amara first! It seems like Im in the running for all boys from now on! Bleh. I didn't really want boys, LOL. But Im sure as hell not going to be picky!

I dun did it again!

Im pregnant.

Yep... Again. For the 3rd time this year. Talk about Fertile Mertile, right? Ugh, it's so confusing! There is a ton of drama going on with the doctor, finances and which insurance we're going to use, but on top of everything else, IM PREGNANT!

We were supposed to wait 3 months after my last D&C but I didn't start the birth control right away and I guess it happened about 2 weeks after the surgery... oops.

Im trying to have a different attitude about it this time than last time... Just go with the flow, enjoy being pregnant, and cross your fingers behind your back. I know that if something IS going to happen there is nothing I can do to prevent/predict it, so I can't stress about it. According to when I was supposed to ovulate, I should be about 9 weeks, which would be AWESOME because I'd be past the 8 week point when things have gone wrong twice in the past. Course last time I thought I was about 9 weeks and fell all the way back to 5 weeks and basically had to do a whole month over again... So either way as far as "far along" goes Im not really counting on anything till I just go to the doctor. I can't guess or predict when I would have been pregnant other than 2 weeks after surgery because I didn't have a period. I went straight from D&C, ovulating, birth control then not starting a period after the 3rd week of the patch, HUGE sore boobs, extreme exhaustion, carpal tunnel and RPL... I have the most random symptoms. No morning sickness, just naps every day, sore arms/wrist and it hurts like a bitch if I stand up too fast.

OH, and when I said sore boobs, I meand sore, huge boobs. I had to go buy a DD bra already. it's rediculas and ugly and it digs in my arm pits but I was litterally falling out of the last bra. A DD already?!?! How big are these things going to get?! Dylan is thrilled to say the least. Heh heh.

Anyways, thats all for now. I have to figure out some insurance stuff and possibly pay Dr. Werner $437 before I go back to see her (or switch to DSHS and go to Peggy, who was our midwife with Amara)... but it's a holiday weekend so I can't make any progress until Monday. What a pain in the ass.

7 months, 7 days...

Friday of last week was a stressful day. The night before our condo was flooded with backed up sewage water, I had to pack up my stuff/my daughters stuff and go stay with a friend due to contamination and my being pregnant. After being up until 130 AM with my (almost) 3 yr old, I was finally able to go to sleep, only to have to be up again at 7am for an early appointment.

I headed to the hospital where my appointment was, daughter in tote. My husband would be meeting us there since he had to work right after. We checked in to the appointment, excited to see the baby in the u/s. We got started, the tech didn't say much but continued to take pictures... I know she was trying to get it off the screen before I could see it, but there it was, staring me back in the face. The CRL was only 8w and a few days.

My heart broke into a million pieces. It was like living through my experience of loss earlier this year all over again. The tech left, came back and the doc came in to double check, but nobody had actually said anything about the tiny baby aloud. The doctor, who I believe had done my consult earlier this year (and was a total dick) just blurted it out. "well, it doesn't look like we have a heartbeat." and continued on about his business like it was nothing. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek knowing what I'd be going through in the next few hours, days, weeks and even months.

I just rolled over while the doctor talked, looking at my little girl, apoligizing in my head that there wouldn't be another baby coming. Maybe not ever, at this rate. She jumped around and played, then saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I just told her "nothing" and she put her hand on my arm and said "you'll be ok mommy, dont cry."

But I did, and I do. After the u/s appointment I went back to the condo, only to find it torn apart and gutted. Random pieces of carpet were gone, the hardwood was ruined, every room in the 1000sqr foot condo was affected. My husband informed me that he wouldn't be able to take me to the hospital, he needed to stay there because of the demolition that needed to be done. A good friend of mine, who was due about 10 days after me, took me to the hospital. He told me that he'd meet me there and take me home, but that didn't happen either.

I spent the evening in the surgical wing of Overlake Hospital, crying, laughing, watching bad TV and trying to avoid the overwhelming thoughts that kept creeping in my head.The thought of not even knowing there was a problem with my pregnancy almost disgusts me. How could I not be connected to the little body I was supposed to be growing inside? Why didn't a red flag go up? I think the hardest part of this experience is that it brings back to surface all the things I felt when I lost the last baby. It's almost like I need to heal from that all over again because of the emotions that are brought back. I keep thinking, 7 months ago I lost a baby, then remember, only 7 days ago I lost one too. How do you heal from this loss, when the last one is still so fresh?

This was my third pregnancy. I am so grateful that the first one was a success, and that my little girl is healthy and happy, running around playing... She is the light at the end of my tunnel, what gets me out of bed in the morning. Mostly because if Im not up before her, she's not a nice surprise for me at diaper change time, but still... her and my husband, and the support of some great friends are what help me keep my head up every day. Even if at 24, this is the last time I'll ever be pregnant, I succeeded once. And although it breaks my heart to think or what would or could have been, she's all I could ever ask for in a kid.