Amara's birthday tomorrow...

Its Amara's birthday tomorrow! I am really excited, and luckily that plays off really well in text, cause as im writing this Im actually crying my eyes out... It IS her birthday tomorrow, and it's going to be fun. But it's hard to think that I might not have any other kids birthdays to celebrate. I know, I know. I babbel about this alot, but when it hits me it hits me hard. I just found out yet another friend was pregnant with a happy healthy pregnancy, and here I sit... In my "situation" yet again. For the 3rd time this year. The worst thing is that I dont know when it's going to get better. I can't just avoid people and tell them they suck because they're having a baby. I mean, I -CAN- but it's not really that appropriate.

It just hurts, and I dont understand. And when I dont understand, I try and disect it until I've exhausted myself...

Im going in to see Dr. Werner again in a few weeks to get an IUD... the 5 year birth control. I really feel in my heart right now that I WONT be trying for any more kids. I just can't imagine gearing myself up for getting pregnant after so much time, and then having the same thing happen. I just dont want to put my mind or body thru that. Not now or in the future, regardless of how far away that is. Adopting is always an option but it's not JUST about the baby. it's about me being pregnant and having that whole experience again. I had a GREAT time with amara and really wanted to do it again... Well, do it again and make it all the way to the 40 week finish line. Maybe it's not in the cards for me right now, but even if it is in the future, I dont know if I'll be ready. It's like... deciding to cut my own finger off. There's a lot of thought that has to go into that, ya know? You can't just wack it off and not worry about the consicuences and stuff of the aftermath.

Please... dont read this and suggest "waiting it out" or adopting, or surrogocy or any of that... I know what my options are. And I jsut want to sit here typing, being angry, and piss and moan for a little bit. Trust me, I've had a lot of time to think things over.

*shakes head* ... Anyways. Tomorrow Im going to get hit the store and maybe make amara some cupcakes or a small cake... I have to decide which of her christmas presents to give her (since I forgot to save a birthday present for tomorrow)... And Grandpa Ramsey is coming over for dinner. We're having lasagna, should be a good time. So... wish me luck. In everything.

a little light at the end of the tunnel...

Well my hubby got me an awesome phone and as it turns out I can write in my blog... A nice bonus if I want to have a mental breakdown on the run... Yay.

Life moves so fast....

Last time I checked in, I was worried about which doctor to go to, insurance, and whether we were going to have room for another kid... I am GALAXIES away from that now. Now I face the loss of another baby, whether Im strong enough to keep my head above water, and whether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future. Like I said, Im in a totally different place.

I went in for the proof of pregnacy at the Public Health office and had to get this "internal exam" done. It was to help the nurse see how far along I was, since I didn't have a period to go from. After that I started spotting a TINY bit which was normal, so I tried to ignore it. The next day it was still there and getting a little bit worse. I panicked and went to the ER at Overlake with Amara. After a blood draw, invasive ultrasound and sitting in the ER for a total of 5 hours, I was told the news I already knew deep down inside. After knowing a few short weeks of this pregnancy, it was taken away. They said that it might just be implantation bleeding, but I knew it was over already. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

And now what has been weighing on my mind more than anything is whether I will ever get to a full term pregnancy again. I know there are plenty of options as far as us having more kids, but -I- want to be pregnant. I had an excellent experience with Amara and dont feel like I'll ever have another chance. I would rather be totally infertile after Amara, then have the ability to EASILY get pregnant, and not make it past 8 weeks. It makes me sick to think about it all.

I feel like Im turning into a withdrawn person, spending time in my room alone a lot, not sitting with or playing with Amara like I used to... I try to get out of the house and talk about the things spinning a wicked web in my head, but sometimes it's just so hard. I miss the babies I never got to meet. I miss the feeling of being pregnant. One loss can really change a person, but 3... Its so hard to deal when they're so close together. It's like Im healing from them as a whole unit and trying to move on, but not dealing with the individual experience I had. I JUST had a miscarriage in September, and here I am again, already gone through another in November. Disgusting.

Anyways... There's a lot more to tell but just thinking/crying over this entry is making my neck and chest hurt. I'll be back later.